Plays

Prologue

I knew that Bobby wrote plays but was surprised by the number of them and the detailed work he had done on some unfinished plays. Plays are difficult enough to write because of the endless rewrites and the challenge to have compelling plots and interesting characters. Bobby would carefully write his plays in long hand and then have them typed and then meticulously rewrite them several times. There are a several plays not in this edition because they are handwritten or typed with numerous changes. These plays require editing and keying. A lot more reading and research is required to determine how complete these plays are and what needs to be done to get them in the next edition.

Whether writing plays or poetry or stories, I don’t know if Bobby did his own typing or after making original drafts in long hand had someone type them for him. Many of these plays were carefully typed and bound, and one can imagine that he probably submitted some of the plays to theaters for consideration, but there is no information in that regard.

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Dead and Buried

A One Act Play

Characters

Nicholas: Eighteen-years-old; dressed in bed clothes and bathrobe

Lydia: Nicholas’ mother; in her mid-forties; dressed in bed clothes and bath robe.

Grandpa: Lydia’s father; Nicholas’ grandfather; over seventy; dressed in bed clothes and bath robe.

Time: The last Sunday morning before Christmas

Set
The set is the dining room of the house. Backstage is a door to the kitchen and stage right is a second door leading to the rest of the house. At stage left is a window over-looking the garden. Center stage is the dining table with six chairs. Backstage, next to the kitchen door, is a cupboard containing tableware and silverware. On it are a pile of books and a vase of flowers. Backstage in left and right corners are two small matching tables. Both have ordinary household trinkets on them. On the dining table are a number of books, a teapot and those items necessary for the drinking of tea.

Nicholas
(Curtain rises. Nicholas is seated at the table and is reading )

Lydia
(Reading, Lydia enters from right)

Nicholas
(Looking up) Good morning, Mom.

Lydia
Morning. My aren't you up early this morning.

Nicholas
I slept long enough. I went to bed early last night.

Lydia
Early! You call half past twelve early?

Nicholas
I went to bed at eleven.

Lydia
I heard you come out of your room at half past twelve. And don't tell me differently.

Nicholas
Oh, yes. I was just thirsty. I went to the kitchen to get something to drink. I'm allowed that, aren't I?

Lydia
Well, of course. Just because you're away at college now doesn't mean you're a stranger here. This is your home. It always will be. (She goes to the window and peers through the curtain.) So, it did snow last night. I had that feeling. And just in time for Christmas. It'll be a lovely Christmas. A lovely white Christmas. Just what I dreamed of.

Nicholas
We've always had a white Christmas here. I can't ever remember one that wasn't.

Lydia
Once we didn't have one. It was nineteen fifty-one. Of course, you wouldn't remember. You weren't born yet.

Nicholas
Of course. (He continues reading.)

Lydia
Just ask anybody, anybody who was born before nineteen fifty-one, that is. Yes, it was nineteen fifty-one. We didn't get our first snow until the twenty-eighth. It was three days late. But then, we did have a white New Year's Day. I guess that sort of made up for it. Still, there's nothing like a white Christmas.

Nicholas
(Not paying her much attention) Nothing.

Lydia
Do you remember how lovely it was last year? It snowed on Christmas Eve---the entire night. There was so much snow on the ground on Christmas morning that we could hardly get the front door open. Do you remember?

Nicholas
Yes, I remember.

Lydia
We had the fireplace lit and all the gifts under the tree. Then the Christmas carolers came. They sang Silent Night Holy Night. Do you remember?

Nicholas
Yes, I remember.

Lydia
I remember thinking what a pity it was that you'd given up the church choir years ago.

Nicholas
That I don't remember.

Lydia
All the things I love about Christmas. Falling snow, the Yule log, Christmas carols. Yes, it was a lovely Christmas, my favorite time of year. (She turns toward him, realizes he is not listening and becomes annoyed.) What is that you're reading? One of your school books?

Nicholas
(Looks up.) Yes. (He goes to the cupboard for another book.)

Lydia
Well, I wish you wouldn't read at the table. That was always a rule in this house. No schoolbooks at the table.

Nicholas
Mom, I'm not a schoolboy any longer.

Lydia
Yes, I know, you're in college. But rules are rules.

Nicholas (Sarcastically) Rules were meant to be broken. (He sits)

Lydia
Not in this house, they weren't. But I suppose I'll just have to overlook it this time. Is Grandpa awake?

Nicholas
Yes, I was just in his room.

Lydia
(She moves toward the kitchen door.) Then I'll bring him his tea.

Nicholas
He has it already. I brought it to him.

Lydia
(Surprised) You really were up early this morning.

Nicholas
Yes, I suppose so. I didn't look at the clock.

Lydia
(She moves closer to him.) Are you feeling alright? You were always a late sleeper Sunday mornings. I always had to drag you out of bed to get you to church on time.

Nicholas
I feel fine. I just didn't sleep very long, that's all. I don't need as much sleep as I used to, you know.

Lydia
No. I don't know. Let me feel your forehead. (She puts her hand on his forehead)

Nicholas
(Jokingly) What can you tell from my forehead? Are you a mind reader?

Lydia
Your temperature, that's what. And don't make jokes. Your health is nothing to joke about. Well, it seems to be alright. You don't seem to have a fever. Did you have a restless night?

Nicholas
I slept fine. (Smiling) Like a baby.

Lydia
Then what were you doing up after midnight? You went to your room at eleven.

Nicholas
I told you, I was thirsty. And just because I went to my room at eleven doesn't mean I went directly to bed. I was reading.

Lydia
Yes, I know. Now that you're in college you've got a lot of reading to do. But then, you always were a reader. When all the other boys were out playing baseball or singing in the church choir, you sat in your room reading.

Nicholas
You almost sound as though you're ashamed of me for that.

Lydia
(Trying to sound convincing) No, no. I was never ashamed of you. You studied hard. You were a good student and I'm sure you still are. (She sits down) What are you subjects again? I can never seem to keep them in my mind

Nicholas
Sociology. I'm studying sociology.

Lydia
Sociology, of course. And what is it exactly?

Nicholas
Well, in simple language, it's the study of people and how they relate in society.

Lydia
People, yes, of course. I don't know why I can't remember that. I mean, I am one, aren't I?

Nicholas
Of course.

Lydia
Give me your hands.

Nicholas
Why?

Lydia
I want to feel if they're warm or not. Hands are a telltale sign, you know. (She takes his hands in hers) They're cold. It's not cold in here. I feel quite comfortable sitting here in my nightgown and robe. But your hands are cold. Have you been taking anything?

Nicholas
What do you mean?

Lydia
I've heard what sort of things are going on in our colleges these days. God knows what sort of things you might have gotten yourself mixed up in.

Nicholas
(He pulls his hands away) I'm not mixed up in anything.

Lydia
I've read there are all sorts of evil things going on.

Nicholas
Then you've read more than I have. From what I've seen and heard, the only thing happening in our colleges these days has been happening for the past couple of centuries. It's called learning. The strongest thing I'm taking is this cup of tea.

Lydia
And cigarettes?

Nicholas
I smoke a cigarette once in a while. You know that already.

Lydia
You smoked three cigarettes yesterday. I don't call that once in a while.

Nicholas
Then what do you call once in a while?

Lydia
I go to the movies once in a while. That means about once a month. And considering the sinful trash they're making nowadays, I'm surprised I even get to go that often.

Nicholas
Whose idea of sinful trash?

Lydia
Mine. And three cigarettes in one day is not what I call once in a while.

Nicholas
I smoked one cigarette after breakfast, another after lunch and the third after dinner. I enjoy smoking after a meal. Is that so terrible?

Lydia
Yes, it's terrible. Cigarettes are terrible. They destroy your health. God knows I raised you to value your health. Once it's gone, there's nothing else, only God. And all the money in the world won't buy it back. Only God can save you. Just look at your poor grand-father. Just listen to the way he speaks since his operation. No. You should have seen the condition he was in a few weeks ago. Maybe that would have convinced you. Only God has spared him until now.

Nicholas
(Raising his voice) I look at Grandpa everyday when I'm in this house. You don't have to tell me about his condition. I see it myself.

Lydia
(Startled) You raised your voice. You don't need to raise your voice. I'm sitting here right next to you. I can hear you quite fine. Yesterday you smoked three cigarettes and today you raised your voice. On Sunday morning, you raised your voice---on God's day. (She gets up and goes to the window) I don't know what's happening to you. I should have never let you go off to that college of yours. God knows what sort of evil thoughts have come into your mind in the past three months.

Nicholas
Yes, God knows.

Lydia
Gone just three months and you're another person. I hardly recognize you anymore.

Nicholas
Mother, you're exaggerating a bit, don't you think?

Lydia
No, I don't think. I don't know what to think.

Nicholas
And besides, you didn't let me go to college. That decision had nothing to do with you. It was mine.

Lydia
I should have never let you go. I see now I should have never let you go. I should have made you stay here and be educated by Father Reed. He would have taught you the difference between good and evil. The study of people? Father Reed would have taught you about people. Good people, not the kind you meet in college.

Nicholas
Father Reed is a babbling old fool and everybody in this town knows it. They just don't show it out of respect.

Lydia
(Astonished) I'm surprised you still know the meaning of that word. You dare to call the man, the good man who's served in our church, in our community, in the name of God for the past thirty-five years, a babbling old fool. There must be something wrong with you. (She sits down again next to him) Let me feel your hands again. (She takes his hands in hers) They're still cold. Open your mouth. Why? I want to see your tongue.

Nicholas
Are tongues a telltale sign too? No jokes.

Lydia
Now open up.

Nicholas
(He opens his mouth) Should I say ahhhh?

Lydia
Never mind. Just stick it out and let me see it. (She takes a long look) It's a little off color.

Nicholas
Off color?

Lydia
Yes, off color. It doesn't look normal.

Nicholas
What color should it be?

Lydia
Don't be so fresh. And it doesn't surprise me one bit. You're under-nourished, that's what you are. I noticed it the minute you walked in the door on Friday. God knows what they've been feeding you at that college of yours. You probably haven't had a decent well-balanced meal since you left here last September. Just look at you. Skin and bones.

Nicholas
(Imitating her) Skin and bones.

Lydia
What you need is a good breakfast.

Nicholas
I'm not hungry. But I'll have another cup of tea. (He pours him-self another cup)

Lydia
What do you mean, you're not hungry? Last night, you hardly touched your dinner. You must be hungry now. And besides, it's Sunday morning. You were always hungry Sunday mornings. (She waits for him to answer but he is silent) It's those cigarettes of yours, that's what it is. I read somewhere that not only do they destroy your health, they destroy your appetite as well. It has something to do with the taste buds. They damage the taste buds and nothing tastes good anymore.

Nicholas
Nothing ever tasted good anyway.

Lydia
So you're going to criticize my cooking now.

Nicholas
(Growing impatient) I'm not criticizing anything. I just wish I didn't have to repeat everything twice before you listen to me.

Lydia
You don't have to say anything twice. I hear you quite fine. But some things don't change. We always had a family breakfast Sunday mornings before going to church. You and I and Grandpa. Just the three of us.

Nicholas
If I remember correctly, there used to be four of us.

Lydia
Just the three of us.

Nicholas
You seem to have forgotten that I have a sister named Elaine.

Lydia
That was long ago.

Nicholas
Yes, that was long ago. before you threw her out of the house.

Lydia
It was the Christian thing to do.

Nicholas
That's not how I would describe it.

Lydia
I'm not surprised. What your sister did was unspeakable and still is. And I thought I made it clear long ago that I never wanted her name mentioned again in my house. As far as I'm concerned, she s dead and buried.

Nicholas
And whose name is next? Mine? Grandpa's? (Grandpa enters from right. Nicholas and Lydia turn to him) Well, speak of the devil.

Lydia
(She gives Nicholas a long hard stare then gets up) Grandpa, what are you doing out of bed?

Nicholas
I told you he was awake.

Lydia
Yes, but I haven't even started breakfast yet. (To Grandpa) And you remember what the doctor said to you. Plenty of rest. That means sixteen to twenty hours a day in bed.

Nicholas
That's practically the entire day. It's a bit too much, don't you think? I mean, the doctor operated on his throat, not his legs. (Grandpa goes to the window and looks out)

Lydia
(To Nicholas) You mind your business. If the doctor says he should stay in bed, then he's going to. He knows what he's talking about. (She goes to Grandpa) Now Grandpa, you turn yourself right around and go back to bed. I'll call you when breakfast is ready. We'll have a nice breakfast together, like we used to. Just the three of us. (Grandpa moves away from her)

Nicholas
Here Grandpa, let me help you. (He helps the old man into a chair while Lydia looks on annoyingly)

Lydia
Didn't you hear what I said? I said back in bed and no arguments. It's Sunday morning.

Nicholas
Sunday mornings are so sacred to you, aren't they? What about the other six days in the week?

Lydia
Sunday is God's day.

Nicholas
Yes, I know, I know. Grandpa, are you alright?

Grandpa
(In a soft hoarse voice.) I'm tired of living in bed.

Lydia
(She moves closer to him.) What did you say?

Grandpa
(Again, soft and hoarse.) I'm tired of living in bed.

Lydia
Nonsense! How can you be tired from lying in bed? When you're tired, what do you do? You lie down in bed. It's quite natural.

Nicholas
That's not what he said.

Lydia
Then what did he say?

Nicholas
He's not tired of lying in bed, he's tired of living in bed. Can you blame him? Who wants to spend their life lying in bed? Day after day. It's no life.

Lydia
It's no life? We all should be thankful for the life God has given us. We ought to get down on our knees and give thanks.

Nicholas
Would you be thankful if you had to live as he does now? Would you? If you had to suffer as he does?

Lydia
Life is a gift. It should be cherished, no matter how much one suffers.

Nicholas
Did you read that somewhere too?

Lydia
I'm going to ignore that sarcastic remark. And besides, it was the doctor who said he had to stay in bed. It wasn't me.

Nicholas
Doctors are very unimaginative. They give safe, convenient advice, nothing more. (Grandpa begins coughing uncontrollably.

Lydia
See what I mean? Just listen to him. (She stands behind the old man and lifts him out of the chair. He doesn't resist) You're going to get back in bed this very moment. (To Nicholas) And I don't want to hear another word out of you young man. Come along now, Grandpa. (She walks him to the door) Later when I've got breakfast ready, you can join us at the table. Just the three of us.

Nicholas
(Goes to the old man and takes him by the arm) Let me help him. You can start breakfast. I'll bring him to bed.

Lydia
(She lets go.) Make sure he gets in it.

Nicholas
What do you think I'll do, drop him on the floor?

Lydia
(She watches as they walk off, then turns away) Just three months and I don't recognize you anymore. You're another person. You're like a stranger in my house. (She takes plates, cups, saucers and silverware from the cupboard and begins setting the table.) Just the three of us. Just like it used to be. (Nicholas walks on)

Nicholas
What did you say?

Lydia
Would you mind removing your books from the table? (Nicholas removes his books and Lydia finishes setting the table. They are silent for a long moment) Is he back in bed?

Nicholas
Yes, he's back in bed where he's safe and convenient. (He sits)

Lydia
I don't know what you mean by that remark but I don't like it. I don't know what you mean anymore. Gone just three months and you're like a stranger, a total stranger. I've got a stranger living in my house, a stranger puffing away on cigarettes.

Nicholas
Do you believe I never smoked a cigarette before I went away to college?

Lydia
Of course you didn't. I never saw a cigarette in you mouth before then. It's this college of yours. It's put peculiar ideas in your head. God knows what you’ll be doing next. Probably drinking.

Nicholas
Then I'll tell you now. It has nothing to do with college. I smoked cigarettes long before I went away to college. You just never saw me.

Lydia
(Astonished) How long have you been smoking cigarettes?

Nicholas
Since I was sixteen. But I never smoked very much. I mean, it's not a habit. You needn't worry.

Lydia
I needn't worry. I'm worried a great deal. All of these years you've been doing this secretly behind my back, hiding the truth from me. You've been lying to me, that's what you've been doing. And you ask me not to worry. How can you expect me not to worry? I thought I taught you the difference between right and wrong.

Nicholas
Haven't you ever hidden things from me?

Lydia
Things? What things?

Nicholas
I don't know what else to call them. But I'm sure there were times when the truth was kept from me.

Lydia
Nothing was kept from you.

Nicholas
Of course, you may have had good intentions. Maybe because I was too young to understand. But I'm old enough now to understand certain things.

Lydia
You make it sound as though there's some terrible dark secret hidden away in this family, in this house. We're a good Christian family. We lead a good Christian life. All three of us. I never kept anything from you. If there's anyone in this house who's been hiding things, it's you. You've been lying to me.

Nicholas
I haven't been lying to you. You never asked me if I smoked cigarettes so I never told you. If you had asked me, I would have told you the truth.

Lydia
Truth! I'm surprised you still know the meaning of that word.

Nicholas
I never lied.

Lydia
Then why did you do it secretly? Why did you hide it from me?

Nicholas
Out of respect for you. I knew you wouldn't like it so I didn't smoke when you were around.

Lydia
So that's it. You don't have respect for me anymore. Yesterday you smoked three cigarettes in front of me, one right after the other. That's what you've been learning at that college of yours, disrespect.

Nicholas
No. But now you have to show a little respect for me. I'm not a boy anymore and you'll have to learn to show a little respect for the choices I make in my life now. I know that's difficult for you but you'll just have to learn.

Lydia
Yes, it's difficult, it's very difficult when I see the kind of person you're becoming.

Nicholas
Force yourself.

Lydia
You're a stranger, that's what you are. A total stranger. I don't know you anymore.

Nicholas
You're over-doing it again.

Lydia
I'm over-doing nothing. This is my home and when I don't feel comfortable in it I let it be known.

Nicholas
You said the same thing to Elaine before you threw her out of the house.

Lydia
Your sister earned what she got. And she earned no place in my home after what she did.

Nicholas
Just a short while ago, you said this is still my home. You said just because I'm away at college doesn't mean I'm a stranger here.

Lydia
I know what I said but I meant it in another way. Of course, you're not a stranger here. But when you come here with all these peculiar ideas in your head, these strange remarks, well, I just don't know you anymore. You're not the young man who left here three months ago. You never gave me any problems then. You just sat in your room and read your books.

Nicholas
Maybe that's it. Maybe I've read too many books. I don't regret it.

Lydia
I don't know what sort of ideas you've got tucked away in that head of yours but one thing I do know. This so-called study of people has done you no good. It's absolutely no good. Why can't you study something normal like biology or languages? Even I studied French.

Nicholas
You were never in college.

Lydia
I studied it in high school. But that's not the point. Try economics. Anybody who's anybody these days has studied economics. It's important. I read it myself in the paper last week. I was even going to write you and tell you about it but I thought since you'd be home this week, it could wait.

Nicholas
Oh, you're always reading something somewhere.

Lydia
You say that as though you don't believe me.

Nicholas
Alright then, tell me about it.

Lydia
(Slowly because she's lost for words.) Well, it's important.

Nicholas
How important? For who? For what?

Lydia
For everybody. For everybody who studies it anyway.

Nicholas
But I'm not studying it.

Lydia
You can begin. (She goes to the cupboard, opens a drawer and searches through it) Where is that article? I know it's here somewhere. I can see you don't believe me so you can read it yourself.

Nicholas
Save your energy, Mom. No newspaper article is going to change my mind just like that. I'm studying what I want to study because I enjoy it and it interests me. Nothing's going to change it, especially you.

Lydia
(She takes a copy of the Bible out of the drawer.) Study the Bible. That's what you ought to be studying. You ought to be reading the word of God and not the notions of somebody who thinks he knows all about people. (She lays the Bible down in front of him) Here, it's all here in the Bible, everything you need to know about people. This is the book you ought to be reading and not this sociology rubbish. (She waits for an answer but he is silent) I should have never let you go. Skin and bones. (She puts the flowers on the table) I'm going to make breakfast. Yes, we'll have a nice breakfast. Just the three of us. I think I'll even make pancakes. I'm in the mood for pancakes this morning. I know you always liked them on Sunday mornings. And then you and I will go to service. Poor Grandpa can't go to church any longer. He has to stay in bed.

Nicholas
Then you'll have to go alone.

Lydia
What do you mean, I'll have to go alone? You're coming with me.

Nicholas
No, I'm not coming with you. I don't go to service anymore. It doesn't mean anything to me anymore.

Lydia
(Raising her voice) How dare you tell me the word of God doesn't mean anything to you anymore. After the way I raised you, in the name of God. What's happened to you in the past three months at this evil college of yours? You wrote me that you were always in church.

Nicholas
Yes, I was. And sometimes even on Sundays. But I went to service only once. Yes, only once. The very first Sunday after my arrival, then I never went back again. I'm a member of the theater club and it just so happens that we hold our meetings in a room in the basement of the campus church. I also happen to be in charge of keeping the minutes so I'm always present.

Lydia
(Ignoring his explanation) You confuse me young man. I am thoroughly confused. You say you were always in church but you never went back again. I don't understand you. I don't know you anymore. I've got a stranger living in my house. I'm going to make breakfast and then we're going to service.

Nicholas
I said I never went back and I never will. Not today, not on Christmas day, never again. I don't expect you to understand why, I only ask you to respect my decision. Please respect it and accept it.

Lydia
I accept nothing.

Nicholas
Yes, I know. You accept nothing unless it's accepted in this good book of yours. (He pushes the Bible away and she quickly takes it in her arms) It doesn't accept what my sister did so you threw her out of the house. It doesn't accept that Grandpa is dying so you let him suffer. I wonder if there's anything else you've done because of that damned book.

Lydia
How dare you use that word to describe the Bible. How dare you. And Grandpa is not dying. He's alive and he should be grateful for every minute of life.

Nicholas
Although he suffers? He can hardly speak anymore.

Lydia
His voice is improving.

Nicholas
Still, he suffers.

Lydia
I'm suffering now, much more than he is. After all that you've said to me, I'm suffering. Every word is a torture, a torment. You're rejecting everything I taught you, everything I prayed you'd believe in.

Nicholas
I have other teachers now.

Lydia
Evil. That's what your teachers are. Absolutely evil. They've put evil thoughts and ideas in your head. Oh, you don't know. You don't know how many sleepless nights I've had since you've been gone. I'd lie in bed at night worrying about you, praying for you. I prayed that this wouldn't happen. I hoped for the best. But I see now, I should have never let you go. I should have never let you go. I'm to blame for it. I've led you onto this evil path. This evil path of life.

Nicholas
Yes, first blame yourself, then throw me out of the house. It's the Christian thing to do, isn't it.

Lydia
(Sadly) I'm not going to have breakfast with you this morning. I can hardly look at you any longer. I have no appetite. You've ruined my appetite. You've ruined my Sunday morning, that's what you've done. Are you satisfied? (He says nothing) I'm going to go up to my room and get dressed and then I'm going to go to church and pray for you. Yes, I'll pray for you. I'll pray that you'll return to the path of God, that you'll turn away from this study of people and return to the kingdom of God. (Nearly in tears) We're invited, you know. Mrs. Pine invited us to lunch after service. That good woman, a member of our congregation for the past forty years. I told her you'd be home for the holidays and she was so kind to invite us to lunch this afternoon. The Bedfords will be there too with their son. He's a choirboy, you know. That a good Christian thing to do. But I can see now it's no use. It's no use having you come along with these un-Christian ideas of yours. You just won't fit in. I'll just make up some excuse.

Nicholas
(Bitterly) Tell them I'm dead and buried.

Lydia
What?

Nicholas
Tell them I'm dead and buried. I will be very soon, I'm sure. I'll go the way Elaine did and probably the way Dad went. I still don't know the reasons why he disappeared years ago. But his name became forbidden in this house and he never came back. We never even heard from him. As though he's been dead and buried all these years.

Lydia
Your father. (Pauses) Your father was…..

Nicholas
Go ahead and say it. A sinner. Not a good Christian. Yes, I'll be gone soon, I know it. Just like Dad. Just like Elaine. Grandpa will be dead soon too. And then there'll be no one left to bury, Mom. You'll have no one left to bury.

Lydia
I can't believe my ears. I can't believe what I'm hearing. It's this college of yours.

Nicholas
No, it's not this college of mine. It's me. And it's you.

Lydia
I can't bear to hear another word. I can't. But I haven't given up on you. Not yet. I'll pray for you. (She goes to the window and peers through the curtain. Softly.) Yes, it'll be a white Christmas. Just what I dreamed of. (She turns to him) You'll take care of Grandpa, won't you?

Nicholas
Of course. I'll prepare his breakfast and lunch.

Lydia
And don't forget his medicine.

Nicholas
I won't forget.

Lydia
And no coffee. He'll insist on having it but no coffee. It only gets him excited. He can't sit still after a cup of coffee, keeps jumping out of bed.

Nicholas
I'll keep it in mind. No coffee.

Lydia
And maybe he'll want to go for a short walk this afternoon. I allow him that everyday. A little fresh air can't hurt.

Nicholas
Alright.

Lydia
Just make sure he dresses warm. Sometimes he walks around here as though it's summer.

Nicholas
I'll see to it.

Lydia
I should be back by three o'clock. (She moves toward the door) And now I'll get myself ready. (She takes one last long look at him) And I'll pray for you. I'll pray. (She walks off, right.)

Nicholas
Yes, pray for me. Pray before you bury me.

(Fade to black)
(End of Play)

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My American

Cast

Marty: Forty years old and shows signs of getting older; Slightly overweight

Hans: Good looking young man of about twenty years.

Alex: Marty's brother; he is thirty but looks rather young; rather handsome.

Time: Present

Scene Summary:
Scene 1: Saturday night
Scene 2: Sunday afternoon (Next day)
Scene 3: Same day (Shortly later)

Set
The set is the living room of Marty's apartment. At stage left is the front door to the apartment. Upstage is the door to the kitchen and at stage right is the bedroom door. It is an average-looking room of no real taste.

Upstage, against the wall is a cupboard and on the wall hangs a mirror and a colorful poster of people dancing in carnival in Rio. In the middle of the stage there is a sofa, a chair, an end table between them and a long coffee table in front of the sofa.

There is a radio and a phone on the cupboard and a few magazines piled neatly on the coffee table. As the room lacks personal articles, it lacks any kind of personality. It could be anybody's living room. The set is the same in all three scenes. Only in the second and third, the Rio poster is gone.

Scene 1
(When the curtain rises, Marty is sitting in the chair, and Hans on the sofa.)

Marty
I just want to tell you that I don't do this sort of thing very often. In fact, almost never. This is actually one of the very first times. The thought just came to me. I thought, why not? What have I got to lose? Nothing, absolutely nothing. OK, a little time maybe, nothing more. But I can afford to lose a little time now and then. Don't misunderstand me though. It's not as though I feel I'm wasting my time with you. But it's not as though I've got all the free time in the world to just throw out of the window. I'm a very busy person. Always got something to do. It never ends, morning till night. So you should feel grateful that I've put aside this time for you tonight. Do you feel grateful?

Hans
(Blandly) Not yet.

Marty
But you will. I guarantee it. I'll even put it in writing if you want. I don't do that very often either, you know. I mean, put things in writing. I think you know what I mean.

Hans
Not yet.

Marty
Well, believe me. Whatever I tell you, you can believe. You know, I value honesty quite a bit, above anything else. And that goes for others as well. I appreciate honesty in others. In fact, I demand it.I dare any person to be dishonest with me. I dare them. My understanding of relationships is that they can only succeed through total honesty. Of course, I don't have a tremendous amount of experience in relationships. But some things one doesn't have to experience, one just knows them. You're just born with some things.

Marty
They're absolute. They're natural. But you look like someone who's had a great deal of experience. I mean, someone who's been around, as they say. And I don't mean that in an insulting way. Not at all. I just mean, well, I mean it's just an observation. I am a man who makes observations. You'll realize that soon enough. Tell me, have you had many experiences? I mean, have you experienced as much as you look like you've experienced?

Hans
Not yet.

Marty
Now that's the third time you've answered me with, not yet. I know you speak English. Not only do you look like you've been around, you look intelligent as well. You should feel lucky that you look that way. And besides, when you came in, you said, hello, and I said, hello, and you said, my name is Hans, and I said, my name is Marty, and then I offered you a seat and you said, thank you. You speak quite well, you know that, don't you? You're probably just a little nervous which is quite understandable. I understand you one hundred percent. Maybe a drink might help?

Hans
Not yet.

Marty
There you go again. So you're a comedian too. I knew it the moment you walked in the door. I said to myself, there's a young man with a sense of humor. My kind of young man. Yes, I did. And you know, aside from honesty, I believe the most important trait in a person is a sense of humor. Yes, I do. I mean, where would we all be if we couldn't laugh every once in awhile? In a madhouse, that's where. Don't get the wrong impression though. I don't go around laughing my life away. I take a very serious attitude towards life. But a little joke now and then never hurts. A little joke never killed anybody, as they say. Have you heard any good jokes lately?

Hans
Money.

Marty
Oh, that's a pity. Well, why don't we have that drink now just to liven things up a bit. It never hurts to loosen up a bit too. Know what I mean? You look like the kind of person who likes to loosen up. And besides, it's Saturday night. It's the weekend. (He stands) I'll be right back. And don't you go away. ( He walks off through the kitchen door. Hans doesn't go away. A moment later-Marty returns with two glasses, a bottle of red wine and a corkscrew) By the way, did you notice the poster on the wall? (Hans shakes his head.) It's a picture of carnival in Rio. It usually hangs in the bedroom but I thought I'd hang it up in this room tonight just to give the room a more festive atmosphere. Atmosphere is important. And why shouldn't we be festive? (He sits down and waits for Hans to answer but he is silent.) Yes, why shouldn't we be? It's Saturday night.

We're enjoying each other's company and conversation. I feel festive. (He opens the bottle of wine.) You do drink wine, don't you? (Hans nods.) Or would you like something else? A beer? (Hans shakes his head) Or something without alcohol? (Hans shakes his head again.) Fine. This is a very good wine. The clerk in the shop recommended it. I asked him to suggest a wine for a special occasion. He suggested this wine. He said, don't worry about the price, it's a fine wine, just right for that special occasion. That was kind of him. Of course, don't think I go around believing everything everyone tells me. Especially salespeople. I'd be a fool to do that. (Smiling.) I guess I was just feeling a little frivolous today. I allow myself that every once in awhile. (He pours the wine. They raise their glasses.) So. What shall we drink to? (Hans says nothing. Marty says coyly) I'll make a suggestion. I want to make a toast to our blossoming friendship.

Marty
May we sail forever together into the sunset as a ship on a still sea. (Flatters himself.) Oh, I didn't know I was so poetic. (They drink) Oh, not bad. That clerk wasn't kidding. Of course, I'm no connoisseur but occasionally I indulge in such pleasures. Tell me, what sort of pleasures do you indulge in? Now, I've got you. That's a question you can't answer with, not yet. Yes, what do you enjoy doing? There must be something which you especially enjoy. What is it?

Hans
Sleep.

Marty
(He sips his wine and takes a moment before answering.) Oh, I know exactly what you mean. Some days I'm so anxious to get through just so that I can lie down in bed and fall asleep. It's probably one of the better feelings we ever have in our lives, just lying back in bed at night with the feeling we've accomplished something that day, and we can fall quietly and peacefully asleep. Nothing compares with that kind of peace. It's a wonderful feeling. I know exactly what you mean. But I don't want you to think I enjoy sleeping my life away. It's a healthy thing, of course. But there are limits to everything; even even such healthy things in life as sleep have their limitations. A good seven hours a night, that's my motto. More than that or even less, for that matter, is taking a good thing too far or abusing a good thing. I don't believe in abuse. Maybe you've noticed that already. I am very firm in my beliefs, always have been. (He finishes his wine and pours himself another.) Tell me, what do you believe in? I mean, you must believe in something like God or the future or whatever. Everybody believes in something. What do you believe in?

Hans
Money.

Marty
(A bit startled.) Oh, my. Well, come to think of it, I guess we all believe in money. I mean, why would we all go to work everyday if we didn't believe in money? For fun. And why would we save it in the bank or stuff our wallets with it if we didn't believe in it? Yes, of course, we all believe in money. It's very good that you believe in something. So we really do have something in common, we really do. Quite honestly, I was afraid that when you came here, we wouldn't have anything in common and just sit here together like two lumps on a log with nothing to say to each other. You don't mind if I use the expression, lump on a log, do you? (Hans shakes his head) I don't use it because I think you're a lump. Actually, I don't even know what a lump is. I know what a lump in the throat is and I think the kids say something nowadays about lumping it. But that's all. Anyway, the point is that we have something in common and can sit here and have this pleasant conversation together. Let me give you a refill. (He fills Hans' glass.) You're a slow drinker, I've noticed. Not that I have anything against slow drinkers. Do you like the wine?

Hans
It's fine.

Marty
Good. I feel people should drink at their own pace. Everyone should know their limitations. And you certainly look like the kind of person who knows his. Am I right?

Hans
Yes.

Marty
Isn't it wonderful! Not only do we have something in common but we agree on something as well. But I suppose the fact that we have something in common means that we're in agreement. Yes, it does. I find you a very agreeable person. I bet we agree with each other on many subjects. Take beauty, for example. I admire beauty.

I appreciate it. I walk into a museum and look at a painting and say to myself, that is beautiful. Well, it had better be. If it hangs in a museum it had better be beautiful. We can see all the squalor we want out in the streets. Why should we have to look at it in our museums? I don't pay the entrance fee to look at ugliness. I want to see beauty. Beautiful paintings, beautiful sculptures. I flip through a magazine and notice the ads. I look at an ad and I see a beautiful man or a beautiful woman and I say to myself, that is a beautiful man or that is a beautiful woman. I don't want to look at ugly men and women. That magazine cost me money.

Why should I pay money to look at ugly men and women. I pay my money to browse in museums and to buy magazines. Why shouldn't I see beauty? I've paid the price. I've paid my share and I want my share. I deserve it. (Pauses a moment) My only problem with beauty is that often it can be so temporary. I mean, something or someone can be beautiful for a moment, then something happens, something changes and the beauty is gone. I mean, nothing is forever and that must include beauty. Do you understand what I mean?

Hans
Yes.

Marty
Oh, I'm glad we're in agreement. It's fun to agree. I dislike being disagreeable. I think it only breeds more problems in the world. And there's certainly enough problems in the world as it is. I feel fortunate that I'm not too often touched by the problems of the world. I'm just an ordinary citizen. I pay my taxes. I smile at policemen. I help old ladies cross the street. I don't litter. I do my duty. I feel we all should contribute something to the world now and then. I even throw a coin to a street beggar occasionally. I feel we must do these things. It's just one big family.

Marty
We have to pat each other on the back once in awhile and hold each other's hand. Just one big family. You haven't told me anything about your family. Where are they?

Hans
Dead.

Marty
I am sorry. I know how you feel. It's something I've faced already in my life. I know it's difficult to talk about. I can understand your silence. I came to know this early in my life. My mother and father were killed in a car crash. Nobody used seat belts back then. Those were tough times. I'll never forget them but I'm glad I'll never have to relive them again. They're dead, they're gone, I say to myself. But life goes on, life must go on. We just can't die with the rest. We'll all die, of course. But everything has it's time. Everything comes in the order of its time. I've learned this. I've faced this fact. You seem to have, as well.

Hans
Not yet.

Marty
Well, you don't have to actually. You're still young. Enjoy it, because once your youth is gone, you'll never have it again. Be young, be frivolous, be beautiful. Enjoy those pleasures now because once you're older, you'll never again look at life the way you did in your youth. I know. I've lived through it already. My youth is already far behind me now, so far, I rarely think about it any longer. But I've learned. I've realized there are other things in life just as important as youth. There's a deeper meaning to life. There's more than just beauty and pretty smiles and endless nights. You'll see. You'll learn. That's why we grow old. We learn that what we had earlier was nothing more than a passing fling, like summer vacation. For a short time it's fun, we never feel better in our lives but then it's suddenly over. We have to go on with our lives. We must contribute, do our duty. You're learning already, I've noticed. I think you're a fast learner and you ought to feel lucky that you are. Some people take forever to learn the simplest truths and their whole life passes by them so quickly. Their entire life. And they learn nothing. So you ought to feel lucky.

Hans
If you say so.

Marty
I say so indeed. Just take myself, for example. Do you know that earlier this year I celebrated my fortieth birthday? No kidding. Actually, there was no celebration. I don't make a big to-do about birthdays like most people do. I think most of them do it because they're secretly in misery. They simply can't face growing old. That's because old age has such a bad reputation We've given it a bad reputation. I just had a quiet evening here at home. I drank a glass of wine, listened to some music. It was very peaceful, like most days, very cheerful. And do you know why? Do you?

Hans
No, why?

Marty
I didn't think so. But it's quite simple. I'm simply not afraid of growing old. Never have been, never will be. Don't get me wrong though. I'm not bragging. I'm just letting you know how I feel about myself. I think it's the best way for us to get to know each other. We have to tell each other how we feel about things. I don't feel old, for instance. I know, some people say at forty you start going downhill but at the same time they say you start getting up in the years. They don't know which way they're going, down or up. But I don't look at it that way. I feel life just goes on. You just go on living your life as you always have. Why don't you tell me something you feel? Anything, I'm all ears. Tell me what you feel.

Hans
I feel. (He stops)

Marty
Yes?

Hans
I feel like smoking a cigarette.

Marty
Of course you can smoke a cigarette. I don't object at all to smoking, I'm a nonsmoker myself, never touch the filthy things. But I don't object to other people's habits. We all have our little habits, don't we? Some of us smoke cigarettes, some of us play the piano, some of us read cheap literature. We all have our little habits, our little idiosyncrasies, if I may use the term. Even I have a habit but I won't bother telling you what it is. It's quite harmless but I must admit, rather silly. So silly, I'd rather keep it to myself. I think you understand. It's not as though I've got any secrets to keep. I don't believe in keeping secrets. Secrets are so, well, they're so secretive, aren't they?. But please, go ahead, smoke your cigarette. Unfortunately, I can't offer you one. I don't keep the filthy things in the house.

Hans
I have my own. (He takes a package of cigarettes from his pocket and lights one.)

Marty
Let me get you an ashtray. (He goes to the cupboard, opens a drawer a searches through it.) I know I have an ashtray here somewhere. Yes, I've found it. I knew it was here somewhere. (He sits down and puts the ashtray on the table.) Do you like this ashtray? (Hans is puzzled) That as a silly question. Of course, why should you like an ashtray? It's just a silly little thing. It has no meaning to you. (He picks up the ashtray.) But for me, well, it's just a little memento from my stay in Miami Beach two winters ago. (He holds the ashtray up.) Do you see here? It's a picture of the hotel where I stayed. (Hans nods.) The Surf side Hotel. It was right on the beach. Have you ever been to Miami Beach?

Hans
No.

Marty
Well, you're not missing much. It's a lovely place but as they say, I wouldn't want to live there. Oh, and I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I'm one of those silly tourists who stays in a hotel and takes home everything in the room that isn't nailed down. Towels, glasses, ashtrays, the Bible. Can you imagine stealing the Bible. Absolutely sinful. Yes, you name it, they take it. But I'm not one of those. I remember quite clearly the day before my departure. I had already picked out a couple of the usual tee-shirts. You know, the ones with, Miami, Fla., and, Beach Bum. Not that I am one. But I wanted something else and I noticed this ashtray in my room, and mind you, I don't smoke but it had a picture on it of my home away from home for those few weeks and why not, I thought. So do you know what I did? I bet you don't.

Hans
I don't.

Marty
I didn't think so. Well, I went right down to the front desk and asked the manager the price of it. (He pauses a moment waiting for Hans to make a remark but he say nothing.) Well, I can tell you he was so astonished to have such an honest man among his guests that he offered it to me as a gift. (Smiling brightly.) Yes, it was very kind of him. Last year I even sent him a Christmas card to show him my gratitude. Oh, but what am I doing? Here you want to smoke and I've got the ashtray in my hand. (He puts it down on the table.)

Hans
Thank you.

Marty
So I see you've come prepared. Yes, come to think of it, you look like that kind of person, someone who's prepared for just about anything, anytime. And therefore you're not surprised by anything. I know just how you feel. I never cared for surprises either. I like to know what to expect, then I know how to react reasonably and logically. You, I see, are the exact same way. I'm glad we're so much alike. The more we get to know each other, the more I realize how similar we are. Just think, we could have come from the same family. Yes, I believe we're so much alike, it's as though we grew up in the same house. Not that I think that is always the case. I know, quite often, members of the same family can be millions of miles apart in their character, in their outlook, in their way of life. Some are mineral, some are animal, some are vegetable. But something is similar, the foundation from where they grow. That is always the same. If you don't mind my saying so, you remind me of an animal. That doesn't offend you, does it?

Hans
No.

Marty
And what do I remind you of?

Hans
Vegetable.

Marty
Oh, you flatter me. Quite honestly, I've always thought of myself as a tree. Trees are so eternal. And they're so immense and powerful, almost immortal. They have such long histories. Just think of the history of a five-hundred year-old tree. Trees are sacred objects. They always have been to man. But there I go again, off on one of my tangents. Why don't we have another drink. (He refills the glasses.) Tell me something else about yourself. Anything. For example, what are your hobbies? Everybody has a hobby. What is yours?

Hans
Hobby?

Marty
Yes, hobby. You do know what a hobby is, don't you? No? Well, it's something you enjoy doing in your free time. I mean when you're free from your obligations. You're obliged to go to work and pay your rent and see your doctor once a year but you're not obliged to have a hobby. You have one because you choose to. Do you know what I mean?

Hans
Yes.

Marty
You said you enjoy sleeping but sleeping is not a hobby. We all sleep. We must. And quite honestly, I'll never understand people who say that cooking and reading are their hobbies. I mean we all have to eat or we'd die. And we're always reading. And not just books. Newspapers, street signs, packages, the mail, even labels not that I ever cared for designer clothes. So tell me, what are your hobbies? Maybe you have more than one. And don't tell me cooking or reading, please.

Hans
I smoke cigarettes.

Marty
That's not a hobby, that's a habit.

Hans
But I enjoy it.

Marty
Don't be silly. It only harms you. How can something harmful give you any pleasure? But there must be something, some hobby which you have, something which you especially enjoy doing. Think hard.

Hans
Hard?

Marty
I mean, think long. Think long and hard. Take your time. We have plenty time. (There is a long pause of silence) Are you still thinking?:

Hans
Yes.

Marty
And you can't think of anything?

Hans
No.

Marty
Maybe I can help you by telling you what my hobby is. Then you might have a better idea. My hobby is walking.

Hans
But we all walk.

Marty
Yes, but not like I do. I haven't ridden a subway or a bus in more than ten years. No kidding. Everyday I walk back and forth to work. Rain or shine. I walk to the market, the theater, in the park. Last summer I took two weeks vacation and do you know what I did?

Hans
What?

Marty
I went for a walk. A two week walk. Now you're probably asking yourself why this normal, everyday citizen like myself takes such great pleasure in such a normal, everyday activity like walking.

Hans
Sort of.

Marty
It doesn't surprise me. But that's exactly it. It's just an ordinary occupation for an ordinary person like myself. It just suits me. And /s they say, if the glove fits, or is it the shoe? Yes, it's the shoe, I'm sure. And it fits. You look skeptical but it's true. Every bit of it. Of course, you look like someone who does quite a bit of walking as well. But I suppose there's another name for that kind of walking. Know what I mean?

Hans
No.

Marty
Then forget it. And now do you know what your hobby is?

Hans
I'm still thinking.

Marty
I can't believe that you need so much time.

Hans
Maybe I'm a slow thinker. Or maybe I just don't have one.

Marty
Anything is possible, I guess. Of course, I think it quite extraordinary that there's nothing you enjoy doing. But then again, you're a rather extraordinary young man. Yes, you're very extraordinary. But don't take that as an insult. I mean it as a compliment.

Hans
I'm not insulted.

Marty
Fine. Then tell me something else about yourself. Tell me how you feel. How do you feel?

Hans
(Slowly.) American.

Marty
(Smiling delightfully.) I'm glad you said that. (He gets up and sits next to Hans on the sofa. He puts his hand on his knee.) You know, I really adore Americans. Always have. It's a fascination maybe. I don't know how to explain it. It's just something I've felt for a long time now, years, no, decades. I'm old enough now to count the decades. Yes, there's just something about Americans. I'm just attracted to them like a nail to a magnet. I just can't keep my hands off them. But you look doubtful. Maybe it's hard to believe but it's true. One hundred percent true. Just like Americans. Americans are so one hundred percent, aren't they?

Hans
Yes.

Marty
I'm glad we're so agreeable. We agree on just about everything. It's fine to have agreeable people. Don't you agree? (Hans nods.) Now, why don't you take your drink and go into the bedroom. (He points to the bedroom door.) I'll follow you in a moment. (Hans stands but leaves his drink on the table.) And by the way, I think I'll give you a little more money than what we agreed upon. I think you deserve it and I'm sure you need it.

Hans
Yes.

Marty
It's fine that we agree. It really is.

Hans
I know. (He walks to the bedroom door.)

Marty
You know, I don't do this sort of thing very often. (Hans turns toward him.) This is one of the very first times, actually. The thought just came to me. (Hans walks off through the bedroom door.) I thought, why not. (He goes to the door.) What have I got to lose? Nothing, absolutely nothing. (He walks off.)

(Fade to dark)

Scene 2

(The curtain rises. Marty is sitting on the sofa and reading a newspaper. The telephone rings. He answers.)

Marty
Hello... Oh, it's you again. How many times have you called here now?... (He raises his voice.) I told you, I'm not interested. It was a mistake, a big mistake... I've already notified them... What? ... They've made the same mistake again this week. Well, some people are stupid, they make the same mistake twice. I'm going to call them again and tell them all the trouble they've caused me. I could even sue them, you know... What? What kind of person do you think I am? I am not that kind of person at all. I'm just an ordinary person. There's nothing extraordinary about me. I lead a quiet life. Only, when you call here, you disrupt it. Now please, let this be the last time. Leave me in peace. (He throws down the receiver.) Damn him! (He sits down again and continues reading the paper. A moment later, the phone rings again. He throws down the paper.) I'm not going to answer. He can ring as long as he wants. I won't answer. (The phone continues ringing . He stares at it and is becoming furious. He shouts.) Damn him! (He picks up the phone.) What is it now? Can't you get it through your thick head?... (Softer.) What?... Who?... Oh, forgive me. I'm sorry... No, no, I don't always answer my phone that way. I thought it was someone else... Oh, just somebody... No, just reading... No, where are you?... Then why don't you come up... No, come on up... OK. Bye. (He hangs up, looks at himself in the mirror to be sure his appearance is neat and looks around the room to be sure it is neat. He folds the newspaper in a pile on the table. There is a knock at the door. He opens and Alex is standing in the doorway completely wet.) Good Lord, you're soaking wet.

Alex
It's raining. (He walks on and Marty closes the door behind him.)

Marty
I know it's raining. Don't you have an umbrella?

Alex
When I left my apartment, it wasn't. (He takes off his coat.)

Marty
What do you mean? It's been raining all day. When I went out to get the paper this morning, it was coming down like cats and dogs.

Alex
I went out last night and haven't been home since.

Marty
Well, never mind about your Saturday night adventure. Go in the bathroom and take those things off. My bathrobe is hanging on the door. Do you want something hot to drink? You must be cold. How about some hot tea?

Alex
(He goes to the bedroom door.) No, thanks. I just had breakfast.

Marty
Breakfast! (Looks at his watch.) It's three-thirty in the afternoon.

Alex
Yes, and it's Sunday too. Don't you like to sleep late on Sunday?

Marty
Of course. But to a reasonable hour. I have my breakfast before noon like most reasonable, normal people.

Alex
Then I suppose I'm not reasonable or normal. (He walks off.) (The phone rings again but he ignores it. He sits down, phone stops, and waits for Alex who walks on some moments later wearing a bathrobe and drying his hair with a towel.)

Alex
Who was that?

Marty
What do you mean?

Alex
On the phone. (He goes to the mirror and looks at himself.)

Marty
Oh, nobody.

Alex
Nobody calls you up?

Marty
I mean somebody. Actually, I mean it's none of your business.

Alex
Alright. Is it really three-thirty?

Marty
Yes.

Alex
I just woke up an hour ago and in another hour it's going to be dark all over again. Too much darkness.

Marty
Too much! I should think it would please you. You've always taken a great deal of pleasure in night life.

Alex
Yes, but one right after the other. (He takes a brush from his pocket and brushes his hair.) I don't think I have the energy.

Marty
As soon as the sun goes down, you'll have it. I'm sure. The way I know you. What time did you go to bed last night?

Alex
(Ignores the question.) There's no sun today anyway. No sun on Sunday. Just rain. (He examines his face in the mirror.) How do I look? (He turns to Marty.)

Marty
The same way you looked the last time I saw you.

Alex
(Mumbling.) Lousy answer.

Marty
What did you say?

Alex
I haven't seen you for months. Don't I look months older?

Marty
You, you'll never get old. In body or mind.

Alex
You're kind, Marty.

Marty
I didn't mean it as a compliment.

Alex
I take it as one.

Marty
Look at you. Thirty years old and still behaving like a teenager. Staying out all night.

Alex
It was fun.

Marty
Fun! That's all you're interested in.

Alex
(Moves to the cupboard.) Yes, we really haven't seen each other in months. How have you been? Having any fun?

Marty
Forty year old men don't have fun.

Alex
No? What then, unfun? (He switches on the radio. Music.)

Marty
Who told you to turn on the radio?

Alex
No one. Do you have anything against a little background music?

Marty
At the moment, yes. Turn it off.

Alex
Only if you tell me how you are.

Marty
Why should I refuse you that? Turn it off.

Alex
(He switches off the radio and roams around the room.) Every time I ask you how you are, you say, fine. I'm fine. For years you've been just fine. Honestly now, are you really so fine?

Marty
Are you making fun of me?

Alex
No. I just want to know how you are.

Marty
Well, I'm. (Hesitates.) I am as I always have been.

Alex
How's that?

Marty
Like an ordinary person who goes to work Monday through Friday and relaxes on the weekend.

Alex
See what I mean?

Marty
No, I don't see what you mean.

Alex
We're different, then, you and I. For instance, I relax Monday through Friday at work. It's the weekends which exhaust me. I need five days of relaxation just to get ready for the next one.

Marty
Then you haven't changed. Still the butterfly that you always have been. I take it then that you at least still go to work.

Alex
Oh, yes, I go. But I'm starting to get bored. Maybe I'm ready for a change.

Marty
You change your jobs like you change the sheets on your bed.

Alex
(Smiling.) What do you know about the sheets on my bed?

Marty
Don't be silly. I know how it goes already. First you get bored, then you look for little excuses for not going to work, then you don't go at all. You just quit. I think you had better start thinking a little more about your future.

Alex
Have I always done that?

Marty
You know very well that you have. And you're thirty years old now. I think it's about time you took on the responsibilities of a thirty-year-old.

Alex
And you? Were you as responsible as I am when you were thirty?

Marty
I was more responsible with twenty than you are with thirty.

Alex
Responsibility is so boring, though. You mind if I smoke a cigarette?

Marty
Do what you want.

Alex
I think they're in my coat pocket. (He walks off and returns a moment later with cigarettes. He sits and offers Marty one.)

Marty
You know I don't smoke.

Alex
(Skeptically.) Oh. (He lights one.)

Marty
Don't you believe me?

Alex
There's a pack of cigarettes in the waste basket in the bathroom.

Marty
(Startled.) What were you doing snooping in my waste basket?

Alex
I dislike the word, snooping. I read somewhere recently that you can tell a lot about a person's character by what they throw away. Money, mail, that sort of thing. An empty pack of cigarettes, for instance, means a smoker and that means someone with courage.

Marty
(Surprised.) Courage! How do you come to that conclusion?

Alex
Well, with all the talk today about smokers poisoning the air for others, it takes a lot of courage to just walk into a room and light up a cigarette. Either you take a verbal beating or a slap in the face or you're politely asked to leave the restaurant or you lose your job.

Marty
I've never heard such nonsense.

Alex
Perhaps. But true nonsense.

Marty
So you've decided to come here and stick your nose into my trash?

Alex
You won't tell me how you feel. I thought your trash might tell me.

Marty
And now that you've had a look at it, do you know anything more about me?

Alex
You're a closet smoker. Have you got an ashtray? (After waiting a moment, Marty goes to the cupboard for an ashtray and puts it on the table. Alex watches him. )
See what I mean? You hide the cigarettes in the bathroom. You hide the ashtray in a drawer. You are in the closet, Marty.

Marty
You are very impertinent today. I am hiding nothing. I haven't seen you in months. Then you just come barging in here, soaking wet, want to know who phones me, go snooping through my trash cans like a bum, and then accuse me of hiding something.

Alex
I dislike the word, bum. Did you know that when dogs go out in the street and sniff around at everything, it's like reading the newspaper for them. They get all the news of the neighborhood. Who's been doing what, where. I suppose you could call it nose news.

Marty
(Looking confused.) Very interesting. I suppose you read that some- where too.

Alex
Yes, as a matter of fact, I did. What have you been reading lately? (Notices the newspaper.) Oh, the newspaper.

Marty
I hope you're not going to call me a dog now.

Alex
No, no.

Marty
Then give me an answer.

Alex
What was the question?

Marty
Why have you come here with this suspicious nature?

Alex
I have a curious nature. It's not suspicious at all.

Marty
Then it's too curious. I told you years ago, when you were twenty-ne, to be exact, that you were old enough to take care of yourself and be responsible for your own behavior. And that I wasn't going to breathe down your neck and tell you what to do.

Alex
(Interrupting.) And you promised you wouldn't preach.

Marty
And I haven't.

Alex
You forgot that promise years ago.

Marty
And you seem to have forgotten everything I've done for you. I sacrificed my youth and all the good times I could have had, just to raise you on my own. Mama and Papa died and there I was left alone with a ten-year-old boy to fight for.

Alex
And you promised you wouldn't throw it up to me either. After all, I didn't kill them.

Marty
Don't be so ungrateful. I put you through college.

Alex
You make it sound like you put me through the dishwashing machine.

Marty
That's not a bad idea. I think you could use a good cleaning.

Alex
Just listen to us. We haven't seen each other in months and already you're jumping down my throat.

Marty
I am not jumping down your throat. I'm expressing my opinion.

Alex
But it's so burdensome. Did you know, Marty, that more people are murdered on Saturday night than any other night of the week. The statistics verify it.

Marty
Very interesting. Something you read as well, I suppose. Why are you telling me this? Are you going to accuse me of murder now?

Alex
No, no. I don't know why really. Lately, I've been saying things and I don't really know why I say them. I just say them. Know what I mean?

Marty
No.

Alex
I'll give you an example. There's this woman.

Marty
Yes.

Alex
And it was Friday afternoon in the office and we were both waiting for the elevator. It arrived and she was going up and I wanted to go down so I asked her if she minded if I went up with her.

Marty
Did she mind?

Alex
No. And then I said, I'm going out for lunch. And she said, I'm eating in. And I said, isn't that interesting, you're going up and in and I'm going down and out.

Marty
And what did she say?

Alex
She said, yes, that sounds about right. I don't know.

Marty
(Becoming furious.) You don't know! I don't know what the devil you're talking about. I think you had better start using a little more common sense when you talk to people, instead of these riddles.

Alex
Oh, I'm not so sure about that. Uncommon sense is more interesting. It certainly was last night. I behaved very uncommonly. What did you do last night?

Marty
(He is uncomfortable with the question.) Last night? What do you mean?

Alex
Last night. Saturday night.

Marty
Well, I didn't murder anybody if that's what you want to know.

Alex
I saw a murder last night. (Marty looks astonished.) Don't get excited. It was just a movie. There's this prostitute who's really a business woman in disguise. Or maybe it's the other way around. Anyway, she takes all of her money and invests it on the stock market and eventually becomes rich. I mean really rich. But she still can't get over her identity crisis and continues selling herself. Then one day she meets this very fine gentleman who also happens to be very rich. And since the rich often only marry the rich, they sort of fall in love, and then marry and become one of those, most sought after couples in town. Invited to all the parties and openings and so on. And all this goes on without the very fine gentleman ever learning about the other side of his wife's life. Then one night he finds out about it but I won't go into detail how, and not only that, it becomes public as well. And since this gentleman is so very fine, he just becomes the laughingstock of town. And then, out of rage, he kills her. Shoots her in bed.

Marty
(Growing impatient.) Very interesting.

Alex
You know, most people who are murdered are killed by someone who knows them. It's true. And most Scorpions are murdered too. When were you born? I've forgotten. Not in November?

Marty
June. I was born in June.

Alex
Good, then you're safe.

Marty
Safe from what? You're confusing me.

Alex
Safe from being murdered. It's more than likely you won't be murdered.

Marty
Very reassuring.

Alex
So what did you do last night?

Marty
Why are you so interested in what I did last night?

Alex
Only because it was Saturday night. It's an unusual night. Most people do something special on Saturday night. They give a party or they go to a party or they pick up somebody in a bar and make embarrassing remarks and sometimes find someone to take home and screw. People aren't themselves on Saturday night.

Marty
Or they murder somebody.

Alex
Yes, that too. Isn't it interesting though, that Sunday morning comes right after Saturday night. Then all the God-fearing can run to church and ask for forgiveness. Did you go to church this morning?

Marty
I have nothing to regret.

Alex
No?

Marty
Tell me, why have you come here today?

Alex
Just as I told you. I haven't seen you in months. Three months, if I'm correct. That's three full moons. Twelve Saturday nights. I thought you might have at least a few juicy stories to tell me.

Marty
Juicy! Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you.

Alex
Nothing even moist?

Marty
Must you get vulgar now?

Alex
Vulgar? You don't like to talk about sex, do you, Marty?

Marty
Must you go on with these adolescent remarks?

Alex
The nice thing about sex is that you can have it and eat it too. It's not like cake.

Marty
I've had just about enough now.

Alex
Oh, you misunderstand me.

Marty
Of course I misunderstand you. You come here after three months, talking of dogs and trash and sex and murder. How do you expect me to understand you? I don't know what you're talking about. (He stands.)

Alex
I have the feeling I'm ruining your Sunday afternoon. And I really only wanted to have a nice talk with you.

Marty
You could make it pleasanter. (He walks off and returns wearing a coat and carrying an umbrella.)

Alex
Where are you going?

Marty
Out.

Alex
In this weather?

Marty
Yes, in this weather.

Alex
Shall I come with you?

Marty
I just want to have a little walk. Besides your clothes aren't dry yet.

Alex
Do you mind then, if I wait here?

Marty
(He goes to the door.) Do what you want. If you want to stay, then stay, and if you want to go, go. But if you stay, please do me the favor and stop speaking of this rubbish that you have been since you came. It's Sunday afternoon, you know. The most peaceful hours of the week. And that's all I want it to be, that's all I want to have. A peaceful Sunday afternoon. Understand?

Alex
Yes. (Marty walks offstage. Alex stares at the door for a moment then picks up the newspaper and reads. Lights go to black.)

Scene 3

(The curtain rises and the stage is empty. There is a knock at the door. Alex walks on from the bedroom and answers. Hans is in the doorway.)

Alex
Well well well well well.

Hans
(Interrupting.) Are you finished?

Alex
Think of the devil and an angel comes knocking at your door.

Hans
Very funny. What are you doing here?

Alex
I'm the little brother. I can come whenever I like. Well, come in.

Hans
(Walks cautiously on. Alex closes the door behind him.) Is he here?

Alex
No. He's gone out for a walk. So you must have had a good time last night. Come back for more already.

Hans
That's not very funny either. I had to come.

Alex
Yes. I sort of expected you. Lost something, haven't you?

Hans
My keys. Did you find them?

Alex
Very unwise to put your keys in a package of cigarettes. Don't you think?

Hans
I thought it was the only way not to lose them. Where did you find them?

Alex
In the trash basket in the bathroom.

Hans
Then I didn't lose them. He must have thrown them away. He doesn't like smoking.

Alex
I know. (He takes the package of cigarettes from his pocket and throws them to Hans.)

Hans
(Takes the keys out of the package.) That's a relief. (He sits.) I thought I couldn't get into my apartment. I had to come all the way uptown and it's raining. Twelve dollars for a cab.

Alex
You can afford it.

Hans
I decide what I can afford, not you.

Alex
You should have called first. I know he won't like it if you just drop by when you like.

Hans
Do you actually think I like to come here? I had to come. And I did call. First the line was busy and then there was no answer. I took /the chance and came.

Alex
So, that was you.

Hans
What do you mean? Were you here?

Alex
Yes, I was here.

Hans
Why didn't you answer?

Alex
I don't answer my brother's phone. He didn't answer. I think someone's been bothering him on the phone lately. I don't know who or why.

Hans
Is that something you pay for as well?

Alex
I'm going to ignore that remark. But now that you've got what you've come for, go before he comes back. We don't want to spoil the show, do we?

Hans
Are you throwing me out?

Alex
Yes. (He goes to the door and opens it.) Get out.

Hans
No. There's something I want to say first. I was going to call you this week anyway but since you're here now.

Alex
(Reluctantly.) Well, make it quick. (He closes the door.)

Hans
There's not going to be any show any longer. I've thought it over and decided I'm not coming back here anymore. I'm finished here.

Alex
You don't say. (He sits.)

Hans
I do say.

Alex
Since when have you thought it over? Since this morning? Not a very long time. You were here just last night.

Hans
(Lights a cigarette.) No, longer. Since the very first time I came here, actually. But I don't even remember the first time I came here. Do you know that every Saturday night he acts as though he's never seen me before. As though I'm meeting him for the very first time. I don't know. Is it an act? I don't understand it.

Alex
The only thing I can say is, that's the way he is, and you don't have to understand it. I'm his brother and most of the time, I don't understand him either. But you're not paid to understand him. I told you from the very beginning what it would be like. You're paid to sit here and listen to him and keep your mouth shut.

Hans
And go to bed with him. Don't overlook that. I have to go to bed with him. I could vomit every time he touches me.

Alex
Have you?

Hans
Well, no.

Alex
Then don't exaggerate. But I'm sure this isn't the only reason. What? Did somebody else make you a better offer? Or are you trying to get more money out of me?

Hans
It has nothing to do with the money.

Alex
Then what is it? Are you suddenly looking at everything from a moral point of view? Go talk to a priest if you're having problems with your conscious.

Hans
I don't have a guilty conscious either. I've just decided I'm not going to waste my time any longer sitting around entertaining middle-aged men in their living rooms and in heir beds.

Alex
And what's the alternative? Middle-aged women?

Hans
I have a profession, you know.

Alex
Oh, yes. What do you call yourself, an actor?

Hans
Don't be so sarcastic.

Alex
(Innocently.) Was I being sarcastic? I'm not being sarcastic at all. You want to act, well, then act. I've given you a part to play, here, every Saturday night. You're the star every Saturday night. You've been good at it until now. Why give it up? You're certainly not starving from the wages. I never wondered why actors are so thin. No parts.

Hans
This is no part. It's a waste of time as far as I'm concerned. And even if I have to starve, I'd rather have that than have to spend another night with him. I'll wash cars before I take another penny from you.

Alex
You'll change your mind after the first car. Let me have a cigarette.

Hans
(Lights a cigarette for him.) No, I won't. I've made up my mind and that's it. I've been offered a part anyway.

Alex
(Skeptically.) Where? What part?

Hans
In a show.

Alex
Be more specific.

Hans
In a show downtown.

Alex
Is that as specific as you can be?

Hans
As much as I want to be.

Alex
Sure you're not holding back something?

Hans
(Loud.) I don't owe you any explanations.

Alex
Why are you being so unfriendly? (Hans is silent.) I helped you out when you needed it and put quite a bit of money in your pocket and now I see you can't be counted on. You're just going to run out on me. Drop everything and go. Very disappointing.

Hans
Don't try that trick on me.

Alex
What trick?

Hans
You know what I mean. Trying to make me feel like I owe you something. You make it sound like you've given me money for nothing. I've done something for it. I don't owe you anything. I've been coming here every Saturday night for the past two or three months and have had to listen to him vomit all over me with his words. Repulsion. It's really repulsive.

Alex
There you go again, expressing your opinion. Too many opinions in the world. Too many opinions, too many wars. If you want to be an actor, you had better keep your opinions to yourself.

Hans
What do you know about acting?

Alex
I've done some. Who do you think you are? Somebody special? Just because you speak a little differently, because you're from another country. Everybody in this country comes from somewhere else.

Hans
What has that got to do with me? I don't want to come here anymore and let him touch me.

Alex
Come now. Is it really so terrible?

Hans
Yes. Have you ever seen him naked?

Alex
Not since years.

Hans
Then you don't know what I mean. You ought to go to bed with him. Then you'd know what I mean. Have you ever been to bed with him?

Alex
I think you already know the answer to that question. But you are evading the issue and you are not the issue, my friend. Like it or not. You are the one who's being paid. You come here for someone else's pleasure, not your own. You can have all the fun you want with the money you go home with. Mine and his.

Hans
(Surprised.) Who told you he gives me money?

Alex
Nobody has to tell me. I know he gives you money. But I believe I've been more generous than he. I don't mind.

Hans
And what do you get out of it?

Alex
Let us say, I'm paying a debt. You see, I owe something. I've come to the conclusion that everybody owes somebody something. You'll learn that soon. I owe Marty. Our parents died when I was ten years old, and Marty was in the age you're in now. Can you imagine yourself suddenly with a ten-year-old boy to look after? I don't think so. He did a lot for me and gave up a lot for me. And now I want to give back what he gave up. Pleasure. I pay him back with pleasure. Is that so terrible?

Hans
But you do it behind his back.

Alex
That's not my fault. He won't be honest with me. Parental instinct, brotherly love or something like that. I've known many others just like him. The secrecy is what excites them, not the body.

Hans
I don't know what you mean. How do you know about such people?

Alex
You don't know? Where do you think I get the money to pay you?

Hans
I don't know where you get your money. It's none of my business.

Alex
Oh, but it is your business. The same business you're in. Hans, what are you trying to say?

Alex
I'm not trying to say anything. I say it. I do the exact same thing you do here every Saturday night, only I don't do it on Saturday night. Saturday night is my night and I do what I want and I do it for free. But the other six nights in the week, they cost.

Hans
I don't believe you.

Alex
Then believe what you want. But it's true. I've been doing it for /years now; ever since I was no longer under his watchful eye. You can't imagine how he used to watch me. Mornings, he'd pull the blankets off my bed with the excuse that it was time to get up. And he'd watch me. He's watch me under the shower. He'd watch me when I undressed at night. And sometimes in the middle of the night, he'd come silently into my room and watch me. But I always knew he was there, standing in the doorway, watching me. He was always watching me. It didn't take me long to figure out what was going on. It didn't take me long to realize that others watched me just as he did. And as soon as I was free from him, I did something about it. I got something out of it. I still do. And you still can but you want to give it up. Very unwise. (Pauses.) You look speechless. Peculiar for someone in your age. Say something.

Hans
(Slowly.) None of this ever occurred to me.

Alex
That's what I thought.

Hans
And Marty?

Alex
He has no idea. He just goes on putting his little ads in the magazines and plays his little game of seek and hide. It's called contact. It's the only way he gets any pleasure. Secretly. Pity.

Hans
Has this been going on a long time?

Alex
Of course. But you took a bit longer than the rest to realize what was going on. Where do you think I got the script?

Hans
The rest?

Alex
Of course. Do you think you're the first? There was Andre, a French boy, and Antonio, a Portuguese. Very catholic. And there was Peter, a cute little Dutch boy. And there was the Turk. I can't remember his name. And Robert, a French-speaking Swiss. A nice collection of foreigners. I like to vary the routine. And everybody's taste changes now and then. Honestly though, I think he prefers southern types. No offense. I'm sure he likes you. As long as you stick to the script, everything will work out fine.

Hans
(Furious. He stands.) Nothing will work out fine. I said I'm not coming back and I meant it.

Alex
So you're going to stand by these newly discovered principles. I always thought the Germans weren't the type to blow with the wind. Perhaps I was wrong. Well, I'm not going to twist your arm. If you don't want to come back, then don't. There are many others, many others like you and not like you. (He goes to the door and opens it.) We're even now Hans. I don't owe you anything and you don't owe me anything. Happy? (Hans is silent.) Auf wiedersehen Hans. (Hans walks off silently. Alex closes the door and walks off through the bedroom door. A moment later, Marty walks on carrying a package. Alex walks on fully dressed.)

Alex
(Glad to see him.) Oh, you're back.

Marty
I just walked in.

Alex
Did you have a nice walk?

Marty
It stopped raining. Was someone just here?

Alex
No. No one's been here. Only me and the mice.

Marty
I thought I saw someone downstairs on the street. Someone I know.

Alex
Nobody's been here. I've been reading the paper and as you can see, my clothes are dry. I just got dressed. What have you got there?

Marty
Tiramisu. (He puts the package on the table and opens it.) I walked by a bakery and saw it in the window and it looked so delicious, I just had to have some. There's a piece for you too.

Alex
He moves closer to him.) Looks delicious. Tiramisu? It's Italian, isn't it?

Marty
Yes.

Alex
I didn't know you liked things Italian.

Marty
Everybody's taste changes now and then. Even mine. How about that cup of tea now?

Alex
There's nothing I'd enjoy more.

Marty
Good. It'll just be a few minutes. (He takes the package and walks off through the kitchen door.)

Alex
Italian, huh.

Back to Top :

Guess and No

Guess and No, a play in four parts

Part I: A Bobby
Part II: A Certain Nothing
Part III: A Kiss
Part IV: A Wonder and an Imagination

A Man
A Woman
A Gentleman
Another Woman
Another Man
A Couple of Couples

Part I: A Bobby

A Man
When some guess some guess who when they put their hands over eyes they say guess who. When some guess some guess what when they put their hands behind a back they say guess what. When some guess some guess why when they put their hands in the air they say guess why. When some guess some say they don't care when some don't care to guess or don't believe in guessing and only say they guess. They don't guess at all. They only guess that they guess. They don't know that they guess so they don't guess at all.

A Woman
I guess.

A Man
You guess, you guess! Anything to do with guessing has nothing to do with guessing. We can't afford to guess when it comes to guessing. We have to know.

A Woman
Then, I know.

A Man
You know, you know! How do you know? Who told you? How can you know?

A Woman
Then, I guess I know or I know I guess.

A Man
Then you don't know and you don't guess. Can't you decide? Do you guess or do you know? I must know.

A Woman
Can't you guess?

A Man
No, I can't guess. First I would have to know I guess. I guess.

A Woman
Can't you know?

A Man
No. I'd have to guess I know. But first, I'd have to know. And I don't know. I know.

A Woman
I know and I guess so I know I guess and I guess I know. Yes. No. No.. Yes. I don't know. No, I know.

A Gentleman
Excuse me, I'm looking for a Bobby.

A Man
A Bobby! I don't know a Bobby.

A Woman
Do you know you don't know or do you guess you don't know?

A Man
I know I don't know.

A Gentleman
Then you do know a Bobby?

A Man
No. I mean, I know I don't know a Bobby.

A Woman
Do you know you mean it or do you guess you mean it?

A Man
I know I mean it. I know I mean I know I don't know a Bobby.

A Gentleman
Then, perhaps you can help me. Perhaps you know a Bobby?

A Woman
What exactly is a Bobby?

A Gentleman
A Bobby is a boy. A boy named Bobby.

A Woman
So you're looking for a boy?

A Gentleman
Yes, a boy named Bobby.

A Woman
Well, there are no boys here. Have you seen any boys here?

A Man
None.

A Woman
I'm afraid your Bobby isn't here.

A Gentleman
Well, he's not exactly my Bobby. I don't know him. But I was told I could find him here.

A Man
Who told you?

A Gentleman
His family.

A Man
You mean a Bobby has a family?

A Gentleman
Yes.

A Man
Well, they were lying. They lied to you.

A Woman
No, they were guessing. They were guessing that a Bobby is here. They don't actually know that he is here.

A Man
How can they know a Bobby is here when he's not here? They lied and they don't know.

A Woman
Then, they guessed that a Bobby is here. They guessed that they knew but they didn't know.

A Man
Knew. Know. You're moving too quickly for me. Where are you?

A Woman
I'm here just as well as you are here. We're both here. But a Bobby isn't here. I wonder where a Bobby is.

A Man
I have no idea.

A Woman
Is that no idea or know idea? I should know that.

A Man
Do you mean you should know or do you mean you should no? I should no that.

A Woman
I mean, I should know.

A Man
Why don't you answer my question? This poor man is looking for a Bobby and you don't answer a simple question.

A Woman
He doesn't look very poor to me. He's rather well-dressed.

A Man
I didn't say he's a very poor man. I only said he's a poor man.

A Woman
Sorry.

A Gentleman
Actually, I'm neither very poor nor poor.

A Man
How do you know that? How do you know which terms we're speaking in? Maybe we measure wealth and poverty by the number of rats that live in your cellar. Rats don't live in the cellars of poor people, you know.

A Gentleman
I beg your pardon.

A Woman
Rats. Rats. Rats. You do have rats in your cellar, don't you?

A Gentleman
Why, I don't even have a cellar.

A Woman
Oh, poor man.

A Man
Poor poor man.

A Woman
No cellar.

A Man
No rats and no cellar.

A Woman
Impossible.

A Gentleman
Yes, this is becoming quite impossible. I'm only looking for a Bobby.

A Man
Yes. Guess. We know.

A Woman
Guess. Yes. We no.

A Man
How does a Bobby look, exactly?

A Gentleman
I told you, I don't know. I've never met him before. I've never seen him before. I don't know what he looks like. I only know his name.

A Woman
You don't know what he looks like?

A Gentleman
Yes.

A Woman
Well, maybe he doesn't look like anything. Maybe he just looks.

A Man
You'll never find a Bobby if he doesn't look like anything.

A Woman
Yes. You surely have to know what he looks like before you'll find him. Maybe, he looks like a radio?

A Man
Or a butterfly?

A Woman
Or a Chinaman? Could a Bobby be Chinese?

A Gentleman
No.

A Woman
Know or no?

A Man
Perhaps a jar of honey?

A Woman
Or a bottle of wine?

A Man
Maybe, he looks like a rat?

A Gentleman
I told you, he's a boy.

A Man
Well, boys look rather strange these days.

A Woman
Which days do you mean?

A Man
These days.

A Woman
These days these years or these days these days?

A Man
Only these days.

A Woman
Oh, these days.

A Man
Now, let's take this step by step.

A Woman
Left or right?

A Man
Right or left? That should be the first step. Should we step in the right direction or the left direction? What is the political philosophy of a Bobby?

A Gentleman
I don't know. I don't even know what he looks like.

A Woman
Slow down. We'll get to that point.

A Man
Let's take the right step first. It sounds right, doesn't it?

A Woman
You're right.

A Man
Right. Left.

A Woman
Wrong!

A Man
What do you mean, wrong?

A Woman
Just because our first step is right doesn't mean our second step must be left. It could be wrong.

A Man
But we don't want to be wrong. We want to be right.

A Woman
Right. Let's stay to the right.

A Gentleman
I beg your pardon.

A Man
There you go, begging again. I told you he was a poor man.

A Woman
But he doesn't look poor.

A Man
Then why is he always begging pardons? He only has to ask it from me. I'd gladly give it to him. He can have all the pardons he wants.A Gentleman But I'm looking for a Bobby.

A Woman
Yes, the mystery of a Bobby.

A Man
Guess, the mystery of a Bobby.

A Woman
A Bobby has a family, yes?

A Gentleman
Yes.

A Man
A family has a Bobby, yes?

A Gentleman
Yes, I guess.

A Man
You guess or you know?

A Gentleman
I know.

A Woman
How do you know?

A Gentleman
I know because they told me they're his family.

A Man
They lied. I've never known a Bobby with a family.

A Woman
And I've never known a family with a Bobby.

A Man
There is a Bobby.

A Woman
There is a family.

A Man
But a Bobby with a family doesn't exist.

A Woman
And a family with a Bobby doesn't exist.

A Man
We're moving in the right direction.

A Woman
Right. Let's move on.

A Gentleman
Yes, but I'm just looking for a Bobby.

A Woman
Patience. Patience. Step by step.

A Man
Yes, step by step.

A Woman
Guess, step by step.

A Man
Do you have any guesses yet?

A Woman
There are so many guesses. Guess yes, for instance.

A Man
Yes, guess yes, for instance, that there is a Bobby.

A Gentleman
There is a Bobby. I told you, I'm looking for a Bobby. I was told he would be here but he obviously isn't here.

A Man
Nothing is obvious. How trite of you to say that. Nothing is obvious.

A Gentleman
But I'm just looking for a Bobby.

A Woman
That's very trite too. You're just looking for a Bobby? Why can't you say, you're looking for a Bobby? Why does it have to be just? Nothing is just. Nothing is obvious and nothing is just.

A Man
Patience. Patience.

A Woman
How does one be patient with a man with no rats and no cellar?

A Man
Guess.

A Woman
I guess I know.

A Man
You don't know then. You have to know you guess.

A Woman
But then, I still wouldn't know.

A Man
No.

A Gentleman
I don't know why I'm wasting my time with you.

A Man
That's a rather stupid remark.

A Woman
Yes, he doesn't know. The poor man looking for a Bobby with a family with no rats and no cellar doesn't know. He doesn't know.

A Gentleman
You insult me.

A Woman
Really? How delightful.

A Gentleman
I won't stand for it any longer.

A Man
Would you sit for it?

A Woman
Or perhaps you would lie down for it?

A Gentleman
Excuse me, please.

A Man
Oh, he's going.

A Woman
Oh, he's gone.

A Man
Gone without a Bobby.

A Woman
Yes, guess, gone without a Bobby.

Part II: A Certain Nothing

A Man
He's turning. He's turning and returning.

A Woman
Does that mean he's walking in circles?

A Man
No. He's coming back. He's coming back for a Bobby.

A Gentleman
I realized that is not my direction.

A Woman
Which is your direction?

A Gentleman
This way.

A Man
We've directed you in the wrong direction.

A Gentleman
Yes, in fact.

A Woman
We were trying to help. But you're so stingy with information. We can't help you without information.

A Gentleman
What sort of information do you have in mind?

A Woman
Why, for instance, are you looking for a Bobby here?

A Gentleman
It was arranged.

A Man
Stingy.

A Woman
Why, for instance, are you looking for a Bobby here?

A Gentleman
I'm to receive something from him.

A Man
Stingy.

A Woman
Why, for instance, are you looking for a Bobby here?

A Gentleman
It seemed the most convenient location.

A Man
Stingy.

A Gentleman
Will you please stop using that word. For your information.

A Man
I knew there was a warm spot in your heart. Let's have it. Throw down your cards.

A Gentleman
Heart? Cards? You confuse me.

A Woman
You confuse me.

A Man
You confuse me.

A Woman
Come on. Let's have it.

A Gentleman
Have what?

A Man
Information. I crave information. It's the only way we can help you solve the mystery of a Bobby.

A Woman
The only way.

A Gentleman
Well, I guess.

A Man
You guess! How dare you guess.

A Woman
How dare you guess to me.

A Man
Don't you know?

A Gentleman
Yes, of course, I know.

A Man
You don't sound as though you know. You're still guessing.

A Gentleman
Well, I guess I know.

A Woman
You guess you know! How dare you guess you know.

A Man
How dare you.

A Woman
Can't you know you know?

A Gentleman
Yes, I suppose I can.

A Man
You suppose!

A Woman
A very troubled man, you are.

A Gentleman
Why, I'm not troubled at all. I want to find Bobby, is all.

A Woman
Is that really all?

A Gentleman
Yes, certainly.

A Man
Suddenly, you sound very certain. It's nice to hear. But don't fool yourself. You're certain of nothing.

A Gentleman
How do you mean?

A Man
Well, nothing is certain. Only nothing is certain. It certainly can't be uncertain. Who'd care anyway? It's only nothing. You're only certain of nothing. I am as well.

A Woman
And I am as well.

A Man
Everything else is uncertain. You're uncertain of everything else.

A Gentleman
It sounds so simple but complicated too.

A Man
You hear? You're uncertain. You're not certain if it's simple or complicated. Everything is uncertain.

A Woman
Everything is uncertain.

A Man
A Bobby, for instance, is very uncertain.

A Woman
Yes, that was very uncertain of Bobby, not being here.

A Gentleman
Yes, I suppose you're right.

A Man
You hear? You're uncertain again. The only thing that is certain is nothing, and of course, everything is uncertain is certainly certain.

A Woman
Are you certain?

A Man
Certainly not.

A Gentleman
Death is rather certain, don't you agree?

A Woman
What do you know of death? Have you ever died?

A Gentleman
No.

A Woman
Learn to speak from experience.

A Gentleman
I do. But some things are absolute.

A Man
Nothing is absolute.

A Woman
Yes, nothing. Who'd care anyway? It's only nothing. There, for instance, that nothing over there is very absolute.

A Gentleman
Where?

A Woman
There, over there.

A Gentleman
But there's nothing there.

A Woman
Yes, and it's very absolute, isn't it? Absolutely nothing.

A Man
A certain nothing. Certainly nothing.

A Gentleman
I suppose.

A Man
Suppose. Suppose. You are a man who supposes. Will you ever stop supposing?

A Gentleman
I don't suppose I will.

A Man
You even suppose that.

A Woman
But if you suppose that you'll always suppose, then the least you can say is you know you'll always suppose.

A Man
The least.

A Woman
The very least.

A Gentleman
Who are you people, anyway?

A Man
Anyway?

A Gentleman
Yes, anyway.

A Woman
Can't you decide which way? Perhaps, this way or that way? Must it be anyway?

A Gentleman
Does it matter?

A Woman
Well, in this way I am this person and in that way, I'm quite another person. And in some ways, I am quite an entirely different person. I'm sort of anyway. Do you agree?

A Man
I do.

A Woman
Do you?

A Gentleman
I don't.

A Woman
Fickle.

A Gentleman
I'm not fickle in the least.

A Man
Perhaps you're fickle in the most.

A Gentleman
Really!

A Man
Yes, you're the most fickle person I know. But then, I don't actually know anyone. I know no one. None.

A Gentleman
How odd.

A Man
It's not odd at all. It's rather even. I don't even know my mother. I don't even know my father. I don't even know you. I don't even know myself. It's not odd at all. It's very even.

A Woman
You mean, you don't even know me?

A Man
Even you. It's very even, isn't it?

A Woman
Very even. When I think of it, I don't even know you.

A Man
And when you don't think of it?

A Woman
Then, I know nothing. Absolutely nothing. Certainly nothing. Absolutely nothing. Certainly nothing.

A Man
Are you certain?

A Woman
Certainly not.

A Gentleman
You tire me.

A Man
Really? How delightful.

A Gentleman
I'd like to take a seat.

A Man
Take a seat!

A Woman
You thief.

A Gentleman
Thief?

A Woman
Yes, thief. Thieves take..

A Gentleman
But I only want to sit down.

A Man
Actually, you only want to sit down up. But there are no seats here. You'll have to sit.

A Gentleman
But how can I sit without a seat?

A Woman
It's very simple. Simply bend your legs and slowly lower your body. Very simple.

A Gentleman
But there's no seat.

A Woman
One doesn't need a seat to sit. Sit please sit.

A Gentleman
On the ground? I refuse.

A Man
Then, you don't only want to sit down. You only want to say, but I only want to sit down. There is plenty of space to sit down. But if you should want to really sit down, you'd better sit down up. I think that's what you really mean to do, although, you don't know how to mean it.

A Gentleman
I don't mean to do anything. I don't mean it. But you have been very mean. You have been unnecessarily mean to me. For what reason, I don't know.

A Woman
Do you mean it?

A Gentleman
Yes, I mean it a great deal.

A Man
You are very mean. For a man who supposes he supposes, you are very mean. I mean.

A Woman
What do you mean?

A Man
I mean it.

A Woman
I mean it too.

A Man
Is that too or two?

A Woman
That's two and too.

A Man
That's four.

A Woman
It's that too.

A Man
And it's four too.

A Woman
Yes, but there are only two of us, aren't there?

A Man
So you mean it too?

A Woman
I do. You too?

A Man
I too.

A Gentleman
I don't find this amusing.

A Man
Well, that's a very amusing remark. That's the most amusing remark I've heard all day. If I'd only learned to laugh, I would.

A Gentleman
That is absolutely unamusing.

A Man
That is not at all absolutely unamusing. Only nothing is absolutely unamusing. Nothing is absolute. Nothing.

A Woman
Absolutely.

A Gentleman
There is no place to sit and I've lost my patience.

A Man
Perhaps I can help you find it. Where did you have it last in your possession?

A Woman
Another mystery. Don't you love mysteries?

A Man
I don't love anything.

A Woman
I didn't ask you if you love anything. I asked you if you love mysteries? Mysteries are so mysterious, aren't they?

A Man
Yes.

A Woman
I love a good mystery.

A Man
How about a bad mystery?

A Woman
How about it?

A Man
Do you love those too?

A Woman
On occasion.

A Man
The mystery of the lost patience.

A Woman
Are there any clues?

A Man
Absolutely none.

A Woman
Why, that's very many.

A Gentleman
I no longer have any patience.

A Woman
Of course not, you lost it. But we're going to help you find it.

A Gentleman
Enough!

A Man
Oh, he's going.

A Woman
Oh, he's gone.

A Man
Gone without his patience.

A Woman
Yes, guess, gone without his patience.

Part III: A Kiss

Another Woman
Oh, aren't they a lovely couple?

Another Man
They're quite a nice couple.

Another Woman
But aren't they lovely?

Another Man
Yes, they're very lovely.

Another Woman
They are. Just look how they kiss each other.

Another Man
A very nice kiss.

Another Woman
Kisses aren't nice.

Another Man
No? What then?

Another Woman
Kisses are lovely.

Another Man
A lovely kiss.

Another Woman
Yes, a very lovely kiss.

Another Man
I never kiss.

Another Woman
I wasn't aware of that.

Another Man
You never kiss me.

Another Woman
But I don't even know you. Why should I kiss you?

Another Man
Well, you could guess me.

Another Woman
Yes, I guess I could. Look, another couple kissing. A couple of couples kissing.

Another Man
How coupling.

Another Woman
What?

Another Man
A kiss. A kiss is coupling.

Another Woman
So it is.

Another Man
Is it so?

Another Woman
So it is.

Another Man
Is it so?

Another Woman
So it is.

Another Man
I never kiss.

Another Woman
You're repeating yourself.

Another Man
Know. I'm only knowing myself.

Another Woman
They are lovely couples.

Another Man
A couple of lovely couples.

Another Woman
Do you know what a kiss is, actually?

Another Man
I have an idea.

Another Woman
But do you know what a kiss is, actually?

Another Man
I never kiss.

Another Woman
Well, I'll tell you.

Another Man
Can't you show me?

Another Woman
First, you have to know what it is. If you don't know what it is and I show you, then you wouldn't know what I showed you.

Another Man
I guess.

Another Woman
You guess?

Another Man
Then, I know.

Another Woman
Then, you do know what a kiss is?

Another Man
No, I know.

Another Woman
I know too.

Another Man
Yes, you no kisses.

Another Woman
I no kisses?

Another Man
I get no kisses from you.

Another Woman
I'll tell you what.

Another Man
Tell me what.

Another Woman
What a kiss.

Another Man
But you haven't kissed me yet. They are lovely couples, aren't they?

Another Woman
Lovely kissing couples.

Another Man
They don't do anything but kiss.

Another Woman
They're kissers.

Another Man
A couple of couple of kissers.

Another Woman
A couple of kissing couples.

Another Man
Yes, you could put it that way.

Another Woman
Yes, there are many ways of putting many things.

Another Man
Put a kiss on me.

Another Woman
Where on you?

Another Man
Somewhere obvious, obviously.

Another Woman
How obvious of you.

Another Man
How kissless of you.

Another Woman
They'll kiss each other to death.

Another Man
How's that?

Another Woman
They never stop kissing, those couple of couple of kissers. They're coupled until death.

Another Man
Yes, the kiss of death. I've heard of it.

Another Woman
Guess, the kiss of death.

Another Man
I must guess. I'll never die from a kiss.

Another Woman
You're kissless.

Another Man
Less.

Another Woman
You're kisslessless.

Another Man
I never kiss.

Another Woman
I wonder who kisses who.

Another Man
Well, he kisses her and she kisses him.

Another Woman
And she kisses him and he kisses her.

Another Man
They kiss.

Another Woman
Yes, simply, they kiss.

Another Man
They kiss because they kiss. Why shouldn't they? I live because I live and you die because you die and they kiss because they kiss.

Another Woman
Why must you live and I die?

Another Man
Well, I could die too. I would die for a kiss, for instance. And you could live and kiss me.

Another Woman
It is so simple.

Another Man
Simple so is it.

Another Woman
It's so simple.

Another Man
As simple as a kiss.

Another Woman
Kisses aren't simple. Every kiss has a history, you know?

Another Man
I don't know.

Another Woman
Is that no or know?

Another Man
That's no. A kiss can have a her story.

Another Woman
Yes, so it can. Some couples have a herstory and a history, and some have a history and a history, and some have a herstory and a herstory.

Another Man
Every kiss, a story.

Another Woman
And every story, a kiss.

Another Man
Think of all the stories.

Another Woman
Impossible.

Another Man
Then, think of the number of stories. Millions and billions and trillions of stories.

Another Woman
Everyday, millions and billions and trillions of stories.

Another Man
Everyday, millions and billions and trillions of kisses.

Another Woman
So many kisses.

Another Man
Perhaps, too many kisses.

Another Woman
They're still kissing.

Another Man
They're a couple of couples kissing. And I never kiss.

Another Woman
Is that a kiss complaint?

Another Man
I'm so kiss-less.

Another Woman
You don't know what a kiss is. A kiss is a greeting of the lips, usually performed by couples.

Another Man
Like the couple of couples.

Another Woman
But you and I are not a couple.

Another Man
We're a couple.

Another Woman
We are?

Another Man
We are. We're a couple of people.

Another Woman
We're a couple of nothing.

Another Man
Then, we're a couple. A couple of nothing. How do you do, nothing.

Another Woman
It's quite simple. I simply do nothing. But a couple of nothing is a bit more than nothing. It's more something.

Another Man
Something what?

Another Woman
Some nothings.

Another Man
Then, we're a couple of nothings.

Another Woman
No, we're a couple of nothing.

Another Man
Then kiss me. Kiss me then. You nothing.

Another Woman
Nothing doing.

Another Man
Doing what?

Another Woman
Kissing. You don't want to kiss nothing, do you?

Another Man
I don't.

Another Woman
There are attitudes, you know.

Another Man
What sort of attitudes?

Another Woman
Kissing attitudes. There is the kisser and the kissee.

Another Man
I don't follow.

Another Woman
No one's asking you to follow. Listen. The kisser kisses and the kissee is kissed.

Another Man
But if the kisser kisses and the kissee is kissed, they'll never kiss.

Another Woman
Why not?

Another Man
The timing sounds off, somehow.

Another Woman
Off what?

Another Man
Off the lips. Say, for instance, I am the kisser and you the kissee. I kiss you but you are kissed. Wrong timing.

Another Woman
For instance, I am the kisser and you the kissee. I kiss you but you are kissed. Wrong timing.

Another Man
So you do agree?

Another Woman
With what?

Another Man
With kissing.

Another Woman
They're still kissing. Those couple of couple of kissers.

Another Man
Those kissing couples. When was the last time you kissed somebody?

Another Woman
I'm not acquainted with somebody. Who is somebody?

Another Man
Anybody.

Another Woman
Is that anybody or any body?

Another Man
Anybody.

Another Woman
I don't kiss anybody. Why should I? I don't even know anybody.

Another Man
Anybody can kiss me. I never kiss.

Another Woman
Why are you so hungry for kisses?

Another Man
I want a little love.

Another Woman
Love! Love has nothing to do with kissing.

Another Man
And kissing nothing to do with love?

Another Woman
Absolutely nothing.

Another Man
That is disappointing.

Another Woman
Those couple of couple of kissers, they're not in love at all. They only kiss. Kissing and love don't hold hands.

Another Man
Well, I wouldn't dream of kissing with my hands.

Another Woman
Hands can be quite sensual. Don't you agree?

Another Man
Perhaps. But hands are so useful, aren't they? We're always using our hands for something. But kisses. Why, I can't think of anything more useless than a kiss. A kiss is the most useless thing in the world.

Another Woman
So you do know what a kiss is. You really do.

Another Man
So I do.

Another Woman
So do I. So why do you complain that you never kiss? Do you want to be useless?

Another Man
Of course. I like to do useless things, like kissing.

Another Woman
Like guessing?

Another Man
Guess and no.

Another Woman
Like knowing?

Another Man
Yes and know.

Another Woman
Like liking?

Another Man
Liking what?

Another Woman
Only liking. Some people spend their lives liking things. They like to go to the movies and they like to drink a glass of beer after work and they like it when the kids are asleep because they like to watch television.

Another Man
I don't like any of those things.

Another Woman
Liking is for likers.

Another Man
I'm not a liker.

Another Woman
Then, a disliker?

Another Man
Not that either. Somehow, the sound of that word is beginning to irritate me. I don't like it.

Another Woman
Liking is very irritating. It's as irritating as kissing is useless.

Another Man
Very useless. Let's kiss. You be the kissee and I'll be the kisser.

Another Woman
You're useless.

Another Man
So be useful. My uselessness can make you very useful and your usefulness can make me very useless. I'll give you a kiss and you take it.

Another Woman
Give and take.

Another Man
Life is give and take.

Another Woman
How trivial you sound.

Another Man
Then, a kiss is give and take.

Another Woman
So give, I give in.

Another Man
No, take.

Another Woman
I'll take.

Another Man
I'll give and you'll take and that will mean that we're alive.

Another Woman
How so?

Another Man
Life is give and take. Look at the couple of couple of kissers. They give kisses. They take kisses. Give and take.

Another Woman
So we are alive.

Another Man
We're very much alive. I'm so happy, I could kiss you.

Another Woman
I'm so happy too, I could kiss you.

Another Man
Please do. Please do.

Another Woman
Please do. Please do.

Another Man
I will.

Another Woman
I will too.

Another Man
I'll give and you take.

Another Woman
And I'll give and you take.

Another Man
That was a kiss.

Another Woman
That was really a kiss.

Another Man
A kiss for a kiss.

Another Woman
Yes, a kiss for a kiss.

Another Man
Now we're even.

Another Woman
Even?

Another Man
Yes, I kissed you and you even kissed me.

Another Woman
Yes, and I kissed you and you even kissed me.

Another Man
It's very even.

Another Woman
It's even.

Another Man
We're even a couple of kissers.

Another Woman
We're even a kissing couple.

Another Man
An even couple.

Another Woman
Yes, we're very even.

Another Man
Guess, we're very even.

Another Woman
Yes, guess, we're even.

Part IV: A Wonder And An Imagination

Another Man
Imagine this.

Another Woman
Imagine what?

Another Man
Imagine that I have an imagination.

Another Woman
That will take a lot of imagination.

Another Man
Take from.-me I have one.

Another Woman
That will take imagination too.

Another Man
One or two? How many do you want?

Another Woman
Of what?

Another Man
Imaginations.

Another Woman
Are you sure you have an imagination?

Another Man
Quite sure.

Another Woman
Do you imagine it, or is it just a matter of fact?

Another Man
It's not a fact at all.

Another Woman
Then you imagine it?

Another Man
Of course. I imagine that I have an imagination, so I have an imagination. Imagine that.

Another Woman
Yes, imagine that. I imagine.

Another Man
So you have an imagination too.

Another Woman
So I do.

Another Man
Yes, you too. We both have imaginations.

Another Woman
Yes, but what kind of imaginations are they?

Another Man
Well, they must be wonderful.

Another Woman
Yes, full of wonder.

Another Man
Wonderful imaginations.

Another Woman
But wondering and imagining are different.

Another Man
Are they so?

Another Woman
So they are.

Another Man
Which do you prefer, wondering or imagining?

Another Woman
It's hard to say.

Another Man
Well, what sort of things do you wonder about?

Another Woman
Well, for instance, I wonder why.

Another Man
Why what?

Another Woman
Not what. Why.

Another Man
You wonder why what?

Another Woman
No. I only wonder why.

Another Man
Why?

Another Woman
Yes, why.

Another Man
But why?

Another Woman
I wonder.

Another Man
You wonder why.

Another Woman
Yes, I wonder why.

Another Man
That's surely something worth wondering about. What else do you wonder?

Another Woman
Well, I wonder who.

Another Man
Who?

Another Woman
I do. I wonder who.

Another Man
Who what?

Another Woman
Not who what, only who. I wonder who. You wonder why and who.

Another Man
Yes.

Another Woman
In that order?

Another Man
Order is not important.

Another Woman
But why and who are important.

Another Man
I wonder.

Another Woman
Yes, what do you wonder?

Another Man
I don't know yet. I'm still wondering.

Another Woman
So you do wonder?

Another Man
So I do. But I'm still wondering. You make me wonder.

Another Woman
Really? How wonderful.

Another Man
Yes, you're full of wonder.

Another Woman
I feel wonderful.

Another Man
Oh, you don't have to feel it, you are.

Another Woman
I'm what?

Another Man
Full of wonder.

Another Woman
And wonderful?

Another Man
What do you imagine?

Another Woman
I imagine so.

Another Man
So what?

Another Woman
You asked me. You could at least let me answer.

Another Man
I did. So what?

Another Woman
That is impolite.

Another Man
So what?

Another Woman
That is rude.

Another Man
So what?

Another Woman
You insult me.

Another Man
So what?

Another Woman
I'm absolutely insulted.

Another Man
So what do you imagine? Oh, you really are quite insulted. I only asked you what you imagine. I didn't mean to insult you at all. Perhaps, you could forgive me?

Another Woman
Well, I imagine so.

Another Man
So what?

Another Woman
What so what? You dare to so what me again?

Another Man
So what do you imagine? I'm only trying to get an answer from you.

Another Woman
Imagine that.

Another Man
That what?

Another Woman
That you're only trying to get an answer from me.

Another Man
You imagine that?

Another Woman
I imagine so.

Another Man
Is that so?

Another Woman
I imagine.

Another Man
And so is that?

Another Woman
So is that.

Another Man
Do you wonder that or do you imagine that?

Another Woman
I imagine that.

Another Man
And now, do you know which you prefer?

Another Woman
Prefer?

Another Man
Yes. Wondering or imagining?

Another Woman
I'm still wondering. But I imagine I like both. Yes, I'd say I have no real preference.

Another Man
Perhaps, it's unreal.

Another Woman
Really?

Another Man
Or really unreal real. Could it be that real?

Another Woman
I imagine so.

Another Man
Is that so?

Another Woman
That is so.

Another Man
Ridiculous.

Another Woman
What is?

Another Man
Well, how can that be so and so be that? That is not so.

Another Woman
So that's not?

Another Man
So so.

Another Woman
So is not that.

Another Man
That is so.

Another Woman
What's so?

Another Man
That's not so, that's so.

Another Woman
No?

Another Man
So.

Another Woman
I never imagined that.

Another Man
Imagine that.

Another Woman
I said I never imagined that.

Another Man
Imagine that.

Another Woman
But I never did.

Another Man
Is that so?

Another Woman
Yes, that is so.

Another Man
That is surely not so. So is so.

Another Woman
And that is that.

Another Man
What's that?

Another Woman
That.

Another Man
That's what?

Another Woman
That is that.

Another Man
Is that so?

Another Woman
I said so. That is that.

Another Man
Yes, I imagine so.

Another Woman
So what

Another Man
That that is that is that is so and so is that is not so and so is so is so.

Another Woman.
I imagine so.

Another Man
Must you imagine?

Another Woman
I imagine so.

Another Man
You could wonder.

Another Woman
Yes, perhaps I could. Wondering is so wonderful, isn't it?

Another Man
I wonder.

Another Woman
What do you wonder?

Another Man
I wonder how wonderful wondering is.

Another Woman
No wonder.

Another Man
No wonder what?

Another Woman
It's no wonder that you wonder how wonderful wondering is.

Another Man
So you wonder about that?

Another Woman
You're a wonderer.

Another Man
You too.

Another Woman
Yes, but the more I wonder, the more I prefer imagining. Imagining is more imaginative, isn't it?

Another Man
But wondering is more wonderful.

Another Woman
Then, it's a matter of taste. One can be wonderful or imaginative. It's a matter of taste.

Another Man
It could be a matter of fact.

Another Woman
Facts are not wonderful or imaginative.

Another Man
Is that a matter of fact?

Another Woman
I imagine so.

Another Man
An imaginative fact? That's not a fact at all.

Another Woman
A wonderful fact?

Another Man
That's not a fact either. A fact full of wonder? That's not wonderful at all.

Another Woman
That is so.

Another Man
That is not so. So is so.

Another Woman

Another Man
That is that.

Another Woman
Yes, that is that.

Another Man
They're wonderful, aren't they?

Another Woman
What?

Another Man
Imaginations are wonderful.

Another Woman
They're not that at all. No one has a wonderful imagination. Imaginations are imaginative.

Another Man
They can be wonderful too.

Another Woman
Not in the least. You're very imaginative. You imagine that imaginations are wonderful, but it's all in your imagination.

Another Man
Is it really?

Another Woman
Really or unreally.

Another Man
Really?

Another Woman
Really. It's a fact that imaginations are imaginative. It's no wonder that they are. It's a fact. You have an imaginative imagination.

Another Man
Is that a fact?

Another Woman
That is a fact.

Another Man
Tell me, do you know any other facts?

Another Woman
None, as a matter of fact.

Another Man
That's a fact. A fact of none. No fact is a fact. That's a very factual fact. In fact, that is the most factual fact there is. No fact is a factor of a fact. In fact.

Another Woman
In fact what?

Another Man
Facts aren't fun, in fact. They're so factual, aren't they?

Another Woman
I agree. They're like a slab of concrete. Just there. No imagination.

Another Man
No wonder.

Another Woman
That too.

Another Man
I don't like facts. I don't care about facts. I don't want to know facts.

Another Woman
Is that a fact?

Another Man
Of course not. I dislike facts.

Another Woman
Is that a fact?

Another Man
I don't care about facts.

Another Woman
Is that a fact?

Another Man
I don't want to know facts.

Another Woman
Is that a fact?

Another Man
Yes.

Another Woman
Then, you like and care about and know one fact. The fact that you dislike and don't care about and don't want to know facts, is a fact. That's a fact.

Another Man
That's a lie.

Another Woman
Is that that?

Another Man
Yes, that is. That's not a fact. Don't talk to me anymore about facts. I only want to imagine.

Another Woman
Imagine.

Another Man
Imagine what?

Another Woman
I imagine that you only want to imagine. Imagine.

Another Man
Yes, imagine that.

Another Woman
No, I wonder. I don't want to imagine. I'd much rather wonder. You're the imaginer, I'm the wonderer. I'd rather wonder.

Another Man
That's a fine idea. Think of all the fun we'll have together. You wondering, me imagining.

Another Woman
Well, I wonder about that.

Another Man
You don't think we'll have fun?

Another Woman
Well, I don't think about it at all..I wonder about it. Don't forget, I'm a wonderer.

Another Man
Silly of me. Actually, I don't think we'll have fun either. I only imagine it.

Another Woman
You imagine.

Another Man
And you wonder.

Another Woman
How wonderful it will be.

Another Man
How imaginative it will be.

Another Woman
Wonderful!

Another Man
Imaginative!

Another Woman
Yes, I wonder.

Another Man
Yes, I imagine.

END OF PLAY

Back to Top :

The Rest of the Guess

Characters

A Man
A Woman
Three Bums
Director
Writer
Captain
Dream Girl
Know One

Act 1
Scene 1: A Go Home
Scene 2: In the Order Of Water

Act 1

Scene 1: A Go Home

A Man
Guess what.

A Woman
What?

A Man
Yes, guess.

A Woman
What?

A Man
Exactly.

A Woman
Exactly what?

A Man
As exactly as you can.

A Woman
But I don't know what to guess. Can't I guess something else?

A Man
What do you want to guess?

A Woman
I don't know.

A Man
Why not why?

A Woman
Yes, why not.

A Man
But first you have to guess why before you can guess why not.

A Woman
Why?

A Man
Because there is no why not without a why. The world is filled with millions of whys.

A Woman
And as many why nots?

A Man
Of course. But first we have to ask ourselves why.

A Woman
Why not why not?

A Man
Guess.

A Woman
Why?

A Man
Guess.

A Woman
Yes, why not.

A Man
Not why not. Guess why not why not.

A Woman
What?

A Man
Not what. Why. Guess why. You don't know what to guess what guess why.

A Woman
I can't. Oh, isn't there something else I can guess?

A Man
Yes, yes. Guess where.

A Woman
Where? Here where? Or there where?

A Man
Where where. That's where.

A Woman
Here or there?

A Man
Yes. Guess.

A Woman
I can't.

A Man
Try here. Guess where I come from when I come from home.

A Woman
Where and when.

A Man
Here and now.

A Woman
There and then.

A Man
Now guess where I come from when I come from a go home.

A Woman
A go home?

A Man
A go home. Where and when?

A Woman
Where is a go home?

A Man
A go home is going.

A Woman
But you're coming not going.

A Man
I'm coming and going. Come go going gone.

A Woman
You're gone.

A Man
Gone from a go home. I come from a go home. I go then I'm gone.

A Woman
You go and come from home. You go when you're gone.

A Man
Good guess but wrong.

A Woman
Here then long ago.

A Man
Good. Guess where I come from when I come from a come home.

A Woman
A welcome come home or an unwelcome come home?

A Man
Both.

A Woman
From a welcome come home you go from a go home to a homecoming come home.

A Man
And where am I unwelcome?

A Woman
Well, in a go home long ago and a come home now a go. When you go from a go home you'll be welcome in a come home not a go.

A Man
I go and come from home and I go from a go home. When?

A Woman
When you went.

A Man
And when I'm gone?

A Woman
From a go home or a come home?

A Man
From a go home to a come home.

A Woman
As you got there you were going as you went there you were gone. As you were gone you were coming when you got there you were home.

A Man
But that was long ago. Before I'd ever gone back home before I'd ever gone. That was when a go home was a come home. So I went and then I came. I come before I go.

A Woman
A homecoming come home now a go.

A Man
Coming from a come home now I know.

A Woman
What do you know?

A Man
I know where I come from and I know where I go.

A Woman
And where are you now?

A Man
I don't know. Guess.

A Woman
You went to a come home but that was long ago.

A Man
I came from a come home now a go.

A Woman
You stayed in a come home until the come home became a go.

A Man
As I was going I went. When I went I was gone.

A Woman
You were gone from a go home a come home long ago.

A Man
So I went to a come home.

A Woman
A homecoming come home.

A Man
And I was welcomed home.

A Woman
So you go to a come home and came from a go home. You went to a come home a homecoming come home a go home long ago. Now you come from a come home so you're gone until you go.

A Man
Gone where?

A Woman
Home.

A Man
Which home?

A Woman
You only have one home. A come home and a go home long ago and a home- coming come home now a go.

A Man
That's four.

A Woman
That's one.

A Man
Are you sure?

A Woman
Yes.

A Man
Then where should I go now?

A Woman
Now where should you go then?

A Man
Yes.

A Woman
Then you should go to a come home now. Now you should come from a go home then. You go and come from home. You come and go from home.

A Man
Where am I?

A Woman
Home.

A Man
Good guess. Where was I?

A Woman
Home.

A Man
Good guess. Where am I going?

A Woman
Home.

A Man
Good guess. Where am I coming from?

A Woman
Home.

A Man
Good guess.

A Woman
Good guess! I want to guess right not good. What good is a good guess? I want to guess right.

A Man
Right.

A Woman
So I'm right.

A Man
That's what you have to guess.

A Woman
I must guess if I'm right?

A Man
Right.

A Woman
But then I'll never know if I'm right.

A Man
Why not?

A Woman
Guesses aren't right or wrong. They're what you believe. As long as you guess is as long as you believe.

A Man
That's not saying much for beliefs.

A Woman
Nothing has to be said for beliefs. They just have to be believed.

A Man
Or guessed?

A Woman
Yes. A belief is a guess, nothing more.

A Man
Like the guess in god?

A Woman
Yes.

A Man
Do you guess in god?

A Woman
No.

A Man
It sounds more like a question though.

A Woman
What does?

A Man
The guess in god sounds more questionable than the belief in god.

A Woman
Well, yes. Guess question question belief. It does sound more like a question.

A Man
A question of belief.

A Woman
Not at all. A question of a guess.

A Man
Or the quest for god. That could be more a question of a guess than belief.

A Woman
The quest for god is the biggest guess.

A Man
And the biggest question. Do you guess in the good of mankind?

A Woman
I do.

A Man
And the importance of the home?

A Woman
Yes. Why did you leave it?

A Man
I never did. Wherever I go, it follows me. It's always here with me.

A Woman
Does that mean you're at home everywhere and anywhere?

A Man
Yes, in some ways.

A Woman
I thought only bums felt that way.

A Man
Maybe, I am one. There's a bum. Let's ask him. Excuse me, where is your home?

First Bum
Wherever I am I am halfway to where I am going.

A Man
Are you going home then?

First Bum
Wherever I am I am halfway from where I am coming.

A Man
Then you're coming from home?

A Woman
He's obviously homeless.

A Man
Why?

A Woman
If he's always halfway from where he's coming and going, he'll never be at home anywhere. He's always coming and going.

A Man
Perhaps, he has a home but he doesn't know where it is. That could be why he's always coming and going. Are you searching for your home?

First Bum
The search for a home is an endless task.

A Woman
Perhaps that one knows. Where is your home?

Second Bum
A home is simply the occupation of space.

A Woman
Then where do you occupy yourself.

Second Bum
The occupation of space is the fate of man.

A Woman
Then where does your fate lie?

Second Bum
The arrangement of space is an endless task.

A Man
I think he may not have a home.

A Woman
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe bums need more than just a park bench to feel at home.

A Man
Bums are people too. They must have homes too. There's another. He's much younger than the others. Excuse me, young man, where is your home?

Third Bum
Homes are self-inflicted chains.

A Man
And where are you chained?

Third Bum
The selfish man locks many doors.

A Man
And where do you lock your door?

Third Bum
The fight for freedom is an endless task. A Woman These aren't bums at all.

A Man
I agree. But who are they. They don't speak like bums. Of course, I wouldn't know how bums speak. I know my place in the world. But I have an idea, and something doesn't fit.

A Woman
They're not searching for homes.

A Man
And they're not at home anywhere.

A Woman
But they're not homeless either.

A Man
They're lost.

A Woman
Yes, they're lost.

First Bum
Loss is the excuse of weakness.

Second Bum
Weakness is the mask of submission.

Third Bum
Submission is the fear of freedom.

First Bum
Nations sow the seed of intolerance.

Second Bum
Bigots guard illusive borders.

Third Bum
Borders are the mothers of war.

First Bum
Faith is blind dependence.

Second Bum
Ignorance is the matter of millions.

Third Bum
Fans become fanatics.

First Bum
Leaders betray their followers.

Second Bum
Followers are dangerously meek.

Third Bum
Killers of sheep.

First Bum
False strength builds walls and bridges.

Second Bum
Suspicion tears them down.

Third Bum
Down in paths of desperation.

First Bum
Fear ignites delirium.

Second Bum
Brothers become enemies.

Third Bum
Hate grows up at home.

First Bum
Evil gives birth at home.

Second Bum
Evil is born at home.

Third Bum
Evil is at home at home.

A Man
Suddenly, I don't know my place in the world.

A Woman
Suddenly, I don't want one. Where are you going?

A Man
I'm not sure yet. But I'm not going home. I'm not going home.

A Woman
I think I'll just come with you then.

A Man
Yes. I'm not going and you're just coming. It's better that way.

A Woman
Yes. it's better this way.

A Man
I'm going.

A Woman
Yes, I'm coming.

Scene 2: In the Order Of Water

Director
So what's it about?

Writer
Well.

Director
Well, what?

Writer
This is about this.

Director
Oh, this is about this. Good. Now go on.

Writer
It's about water and going down and a dream. There's this river.

Director
Where does it lead to?

Writer
Wherever all rivers lead to. What does it matter?

Director
No. I mean the whole thing, the entire piece. Is this just a piece of the whole, or the whole piece?

Writer
Nothing is whole. It's all a piece. Just a two-hour piece. You want philosophy? Then go back to school. I'm just a writer.

Director
So you're giving me a piece of your mind. Or a piece of shit. Well, let's get back to this river. Where did you say it leads to?

Writer
I didn't, because it doesn't matter where it leads to.

Director
What good is a river if it doesn't lead to anywhere?

Writer
Alright. It begins in the mountains and ends at the sea.

Director
Then it doesn't lead to anywhere. It ends as it begins and begins as it ends. Cycles.

Writer
Cycles?

Director
Of course. Everything is cycles. Circles. Cycles. Never heard of it, have you?

Writer
Never thought about it.

Director
Well, let's go on with this polluted river of yours.

Writer
I never said it was polluted.

Director
Of course it's polluted.

Writer
Really?

Director
Yes, the pollution of god.

Writer
God! I didn't mention god.

Director
God the creator. God the polluter. Creation is nothing more than recycled pollution. Cycles. Circles. Cycles.

Writer
And pollution?

Director
Pollution is the product of creation.

Writer
That doesn't say much for art and parents.

Director
Pollution. We're all polluters, everyone of us. Some are just more cultivated than others and some are more careless.

Writer
If that's how you really feel, then what am I doing here?

Director
You're here to pollute. So let's get on with it. This polluted river of yours, I assume there is a ship on it.

Writer
Yes, how did you know?

Director
What's a river without a ship? Just another source of pollution.

Writer
And the ship has a captain. Yes, I know. What's a ship without a captain? A ship of pollution.

Director
And of course, there's a crew. What's a captain without a crew?

Writer
Not a captain. But there is no crew and he is the captain because he's going down with the ship. The captain always goes down with the ship.

Director
Oh, yes, I've heard of it somwhere. So the ship is going down.

Writer
Yes.

Director
He must be a lousy captain if he's going down with the ship.

Writer
He's not lousy.

Director
Can't he swim?

Writer
He's lost consciousness. And that's where the dream comes in. (calling offstage) Would you come in now, please.

Director
Is the dream coming in now?

Writer
No. The captain, (the captain enters) I'd like you to meet the captain who's lost consciousness.

Captain
Hello.

Director
So, you've lost it. Some captain you are. Not only did you lose consciousness, you lost your crew. What did you do with them? Throw them overboard? You have no conscious.

Captain
I'm not quite that deep into the character yet.

Director
How deep did you say that river is?

Writer
Actually, I didn't. But it's a deep one.

Director
You're going deep, you captain with no conscious. The deepest depth. And don't think you can just swim safely away. You have no conscious.

Captain
But I've decided I do. I'm unconscious, not without conscious. I save my crew.

Director
You save nothing. Nothing is saved. It's all cycles. You know what a bicycle is, don't you?

Captain
Yes, of course.

Director
Yeah, well.

Writer
If you would just let me go on.

Director
Yes, go on. You won't go anywhere unless you go on. Water, going down, and a dream. You go in that order, I suppose. In the order of water. You're just going on and on, like the river. What about the dream?

Writer
The dream is a girl.

Director
So, a Dream Girl. You, captain with no conscious, are you ready for that?

Captain
I haven't got that deep into the character yet.

Director
What about her?

Writer
She's just here. (calling offstage) You may come in now. (the Dream Girl enters)

Dream Girl
Hi. I'm a Dream Girl. Are you the man of my dreams?

Director
I'm just the director.

Writer
This is the man you'll be performing with.

Captain
How do you do.

Dream Girl
Hi. I'm a Dream Girl. Are you the man of my dreams?

Director
He's just a captain with no conscious.

Dream Girl
Well, I like them brutal sometimes. But you don't look like the brutal type. More tame. Do you mind if I sing while we make love? I feel better when my mouth is doing something useful.

Director
Can't you think of something else to do with your mouth? There are other things, you know.

Dream Girl
No, I don't know. Don't forget, I'm a Dream Girl. I don't know anything. I just dream things.

Director
Dreams are pollution.

Writer
I knew you would say that. You want to destroy it all, all of it before it even begins.

Director
I don't destroy. I pollute. You do as well.

Captain
There are certain things I must know before I can dig deeper into the part.

Director
Why don't you start by digging your grave. You'll need one after you're finished here.

Dream Girl
Would you like my measurements? I wear a size seven and I never cared for maroon.

I have someone for that, you know. Know one. He's the best know one I know. (calling offstage) Come in now, please. (the know one enters)

Know One
How do you do. I am know one. I know everything.

Writer
Is that so?

Know One
That is so.

Director
I'd like you to meet the cast. This is our Dream Girl.

Know One
I know.

Dream Girl
How do you do.

Know One
I know.

Dream Girl
Do you know me?

Know One
I know everything.

Writer
In the biblical sense?

Know One
In know sense.

Dream Girl
Does that make me a thing?

Know One
You are a thing of the past.

Dream Girl
The past! Why, I'm not even thirty.

Know One
I know.

Director
And this is our captain.

Know One
I know.

Captain
It's a pleasure.

Know One
I know.

Director
And our writer.

Know One
I know.

Writer
Yes, I know you know.

Know One
I know.

Writer
So you know everything?

Know One
Yes.

Writer
Well, then tell us something that you know.

Know One
Everything.

Writer
Everything?

Know One
Yes, everything.

Writer
You don't say.

Know One
I do say.

Dream Girl
I don't think you're the man of my dreams. You know so many things and I don't know anything. I just dream things. I'm a Dream Girl.

Know One
I know.

Dream Girl
Do you know anything about dreams?

Know One
Dreams are the absence of knowledge.

Dream Girl
So you think you know that.

Know One
No. I know I know that.

Captain
What do you know about sinking ships?

Know One
A matter of gravity. All things move in one direction. Down.

Director
You're not supposed to know that.

Know One
I know.

Writer
And what about the success of this play. What do you know about that?

Know One
Curtains. Curtains move naturally down.

Captain
That's probably a good guess.

Director
Who told you to know that? You're not supposed to know that. You believe in gravity, do you?

Know One
I believe in nothing. I know everything. I know gravity.

Director
Well, what about cycles? Circles. Cycles.

Know One
Cycles are the food of the doomed.

Writer
Thank you, for making a point.

Know One
I didn't make a point. I made a remark. A remarkable remark.

Director
You don't know as much as you think you know. What are you trying to do, ruin me?

Know One
I ruin nothing. I know everything.

Director
It's all cycles. Circles. Cycles. Creation. Pollution.

Know One
Everything moves down.

Dream Girl
I agree.

Director
Who cares what you agree with? You don't know anything anyway. You said so yourself.

Dream Girl
Yes, but if I agree with someone who knows, then maybe I'm not so unknown afterall. He knows. He even knows me. Oh, how much do you know about me?

Know One
You are going down.

Dream Girl
Oh, that worries me.

Captain
You're not going down. He's just guessing. Can't you see it in his eyes? He doesn't know, he guesses.

Dream Girl
When I look at him, he looks at me. Does that mean he guesses me?

Writer
He may know more than we think he knows.

Director
He knows nothing. As long as he believes in gravity, he knows nothing.

Writer
He's your know one. You asked him to come here, not I.

Director
Yes, but not with this version of knowledge.

Know One
There is only one version of knowledge. Truth.

Captain
First you speak of knowledge, then you speak of truth. What is it you actually know?

Know One
I know everything, including the truth.

Director
If you know everything, you know not only truth but lies too. He's lying. Don't believe a word he says. He's lying.

Captain
He could be guessing.

Dream Girl
He could be dreaming.

Writer
He could be falling. He believes in gravity.

Director
He could be going. Why don't you go.

Know One
I know when I come and I know when I go. Gravity. Whatever is up, must come down.

Director
What has that to do with coming and going?

Know One
Nothing. I know.

Director
Yes, you know nothing.

Know One
Nothing and everything.

Writer
That's just what we're getting accomplished now. Nothing. Can we please get on with it? Why are you here anyway?

Know One
To know things.

Director
But you know nothing. You even dare to believe in gravity.

Captain
Let's get on with it. I feel a calling.

Director
Well, call back later.

Dream Girl
I was at a party last night and it was such a bore so I fainted.

Writer
Fainted! Are you feeling well enough to begin working today?

Dream Girl
Oh, sure. It's not that I was sick or anything. It's just that I hate saying good-bye at parties. It just makes everyone think it's late and time to go home and it brings the whole mood down. So whenever I want to leave, I just faint and then I don't have to bother with all of those good-byes and it sort of makes people feel good watching someone else being carried out of the room. Everyone seems to have a much better time.

Know One
And where did you faint?

Dream Girl
At the party.

Know One
I mean, in which direction?

Dream Girl
Well, down, to the floor.

Know One
So you see now.

Director
Shut up. Do you do this often?

Dream Girl
Lately, yes. Parties are so boring lately. Too many know-it-alls. They call me the fainter.

Director
Then you'll get along fine with the captain. He has no conscious.

Know One
And what's wrong with know-it-alls? I happen to be one.

Dream Girl
You said you were know one not a know-it-all.

Know One
I'm both. I know everything and I know it all.

Dream Girl
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to insult you. It's just that.

Writer
Catch her. She's fainting. (she falls to the floor)

Captain
She really has fainted.

Director
She said they call her the fainter.

Captain
She's unconscious.

Director
Look who's talking. You're the one with no conscious around here.

Writer
(to Know One) Shame on you.

Know One
I'm sorry. I can't help it. How can I help it if I know things? I know things. She dreams things. She faints. Should I faint too?

Writer
One fainter is enough.

Captain
I think she's coming to.

Director
Coming to what?

Captain
Back to consciousness.

Director
Maybe you should get deeper into that character of yours before she does. I think it's about time we begin working.

Dream Girl
(coming to) Oh, what happened? What am I doing here on the floor?

Writer
You fainted.

Captain
Are you feeling better? Can I get you something?

Dream Girl
No. No. I'm feeling fine. Like I told you, it's not that I'm sick or anything. It's just that know-it-alls.

Know One
I'm leaving this very moment. I don't know a thing in the world. Nothing. I'm the dumbest man who ever lived, (he runs offstage)

Captain
Can you stand?

Dream Girl
Yes, of course, (she jumps up quickly as though nothing has happened) Oh, I'm glad he's gone. They're such bores, aren't they?

Captain
Maybe, he was right afterall. Up and down.

Director
Cycles.

Writer
What do you mean?

Director
Know One. He was born a nothing, acquired everything, and now he's nothing again. Cycles.

Writer
Bullshit.

Captain
What about her? She was standing up and she fell down.

Director
Pollution.

Dream Girl
Did I tell you that I don't mind undressing on stage?

Writer
No. But you won't have to.

Dream Girl
Well, I don't mind. I think we Dream Girls have that right since we're just dreams. Later, they can't say we had a cheap career.

Director
You can undress off stage any time you like.

Captain
I am the man of her dreams.

Director
Yes, but you have no conscious. I can just imagine what you would do to this dreamy size seven fainter. You'd probably take her on a date to the city library and surround her with knowledge and know-it-alls and then take advantage of her faint heart.

Dream Girl
Oh, the man of my dreams would never do that. Would you?

Captain
No, my dear. I would never surround you with knowledge.

Dream Girl
I think I would never regain consciousness.

Director
You have no conscious.

Writer
Well, let's get on with it. (to captain) You're lying unconscious on your ship.

Director
And along comes this dream swinging a handbag. A real swinger.

Writer
She is not a swinger.

Dream Girl
I'm a dream. And I never cared for maroon. I won't have to wear maroon, will I?

Writer
You can wear any color you like.

Dream Girl
That's fine. Maroon just doesn't suit me. Never has. It's so dull. Like know-it-alls.

Director
Maroon. Maroon. If we don't start moving soon, we'll all be marooned on the moon.

Dream Girl
How poetic.

Captain
Pathetic.

Director
Who asked you? I'm the director around here. You're just going down with the damn ship.

Captain
Yes, and I believe you'll be on your way down in the not so distant future.

Dream Girl
How far away is the not so distant future?

Captain
Any day.

Writer
Oh, don't say that. I wrote this play.

Dream Girl
You do look like you're coming down with something. Haven't you been sleeping well lately?

Director
I haven't been sleeping at all. But I'm not coming down with anything. I never come down. It's all cycles.

Dream Girl
Why don't you try fainting? It's an alternative.

Writer
I want to get on with it.

Captain
Well, get on with it.

Writer
Have you got your lines down?

Dream Girl
Yes, I think so. Only I don't understand the meaning of the dream.

Writer
You don't have to understand it. I understand it.

Dream Girl
What if the audience doesn't understand it? Do they get their money back?

Writer
No. And they don't have to understand it. Who understands anything, anyway, these days?

Director
Cycles.

Dream Girl
But I think I should since I'm a Dream Girl.

Captain
She's right. I don't understand it either. It's just all bits and pieces and full of holes. It's not whole.

Director
There's a hole in your ship. It's going down. Isn't that enough?

Writer
Nothing is whole. It's all pieces. Life is pieces.

Dream Girl
Does that mean I go to pieces? Well, I do anyway. When Alex ended our affair last year I went to pieces. I was a mess. Pieces of me all over. A piece here, a piece there. Yes, maybe you're right. Life is pieces.

Captain
Who is Alex?

Dream Girl
Oh, nobody.

Captain
Nobody named Alex.

Dream Girl
Well, if you must know, he's a congressman, married, two kids, and we had an affair.

Director
I thought you said know-it-alls were dull.

Dream Girl
Oh, Alex didn't know very much. Actually, he's one of the dumbest men I ever knew. I didn't even vote for him. But we had a wonderful affair.

Captain
I'll never vote again as long as I live.

Writer
I'll never write again as long as I live.

Director
You don't write. You pollute. But don't be discouraged, you're young, ambitious. You have a whole life of pollution ahead of you. Pollute. Pollute.

Writer
I feel like vomiting.

Director
See what I mean?

Captain
Where is this ship I'm going down with?

Dream Girl
Where's the ship? Where's the river?

Writer
Have you no imagination? This is theater.

Captain
I need something to dig my teeth into.

Dream Girl
I need something to dig my claws into.

Writer
Are you actors or badgers?

Director
You'll be digging your own graves. We're all digging our own graves. We just need to know the moment to take the last breath or take away the last breath.

Dream Girl
How philosophic.

Captain
Psychotic.

Writer
I want to tell you, I worked very hard on this play. It took months to put together. And now that it's finally finished, you people are not cooperating one bit.

Director
You didn't put this play together, it's nothing but pieces.

Writer
So, we must cooperate.

Dream Girl
He's right. Plays are like dreams. And I'm a Dream Girl, don't forget. Yes, plays are like dreams. You always forget them.

Writer
Thank you. But I don't want to be forgotten.

Captain
What about me? You don't want to be forgotten but you've forgotten me. I'm unconscious. I have to go down with the ship. I'll certainly be forgotten. You writers are so insensitive. Just when we actors want to jump up and smile and strip and showoff our beautiful bodies and talent, you either kill us or lock us up in a madhouse or give us chapped lips.

Writer
Don't blame me for those things. Think of the director. Once the play is written, the director is in control, not the writer.

Director
So, you drop the bomb on my front door. I should have known. I do know. Pieces. Plays. Pollution. Cycles. Circles. Cycles.

Dream Girl
What about me? Don't forget me. I may not know anything but I dream things and I'm a size seven but please don't give me maroon.

Writer
And not only that, you faint at parties. Don't forget that.

Dream Girl
I haven't forgotten. Actually, I'm feeling a bit faint now.

Captain
Is Know One back again?

Director
He's gone. He never knew anything anyway, unless I told him what to know.

Dream Girl
It's all of these circles. They make me dizzy.

Director
You see. Cycles. Circles. Cycles.

Writer
Yes, I'm beginning to see.

Captain
I feel it to. Would you like to sit down?

Dream Girl
Is there anywhere?

Director
There's everywhere.

Writer
Is anyone carrying a gun?

Captain
(to Dream Girl) Here, sit down on my so-called ship.

Dream Girl
Oh, is this your ship? Isn't it supposed to go down?

Captain
Yes.

Dream Girl
Then I won't get seasick. Never cared for maroon. Never cared for ships. Which direction are we moving in?

Writer
Down.

Captain
Downstream.

Writer
Just down.

Captain
See what I mean? You just want to kill us all, drown us as though we were rats. All you writers do is kill people. What do you want a gun for? To kill. Kill. Kill. Kill.

Writer
To shoot.

Director
Pollute. It's all pollution.

Captain
Killer.

Writer
Yes, I think I will kill you now. You deserve to die. I'm going to rewrite your part. You're not going to be an unconscious captain, you're going to be a dead captain. You hear me, dead. And it's not going to be a down dream, it's going to be a dead dream.

Captain
(to Dream Girl) Now, do you see what I mean about writers?

Writer
And not only that, you're going to die in the first act, in the first scene.

Director
So now I have to direct the dead.

Dream Girl
Oh, do the dead dream?

Writer
They're going to.

Dream Girl
Do you mean I'll be dreamed by a dead man?

Writer
You said it.

Dream Girl
Somehow, it doesn't flatter me. I mean, what sort of dreams do the dead dream? Especially the ones in hell. Nightmares, not dreams.

Writer
Could be.

Dream Girl
But I'm not a nightmare. I'm a Dream Girl. What are you trying to do, ruin my career? I want to undress. I want to be dreamy. That's what I was hired for.

Writer
You were hired to act, and that's what you're going to do. And you (to captain) are now being hired to die. And that's what you're going to do.

Director
It's all cycles. We live. We die.

Captain
I'm the one who has to die, not you. I've got talent. I've got fans. And what do you ask me to do, die.

Writer
You've got, you've got.

Director
And you've been out of work for a year.

Writer
You've got a part. You should be content that you're going to die.

Captain
It's ruthless, the way writers treat actors. Downright ruthless.

Director
You'll do as you're directed. Lie down on the floor.

Captain
What for?

Director
I want to see how you look when you're dead. (captain doesn't move) Well, what are you waiting for? I'm the director, (captain lies down on the floor, face up) No, face down.

Captain
No one will see my face. And besides, I won't be able to breathe.

Director
Well, you're dead. It doesn't matter whether you can breathe or not. Actually, I prefer that you don't.

Captain
(raising his body) So you really do want to kill me.

Writer
Stay on the floor.

Captain
(lowering his body to the floor) I'll never get used to being treated like a damn nobody.

Director
As long as you're out of work, you won't have to.

Captain
I'm not out of work, I have a part. But still.

Director
Then, play it.

Writer
Yeah, play dead. Lie down. The director directs.

Director
Yes, the writer pollutes and the director directs.

Dream Girl
And the Dream Girl dreams.

Director
All you do is faint.

Dream Girl
I don't always faint. I'm a size seven too.

Director
Yes, we know, a size seven and you hate maroon.

Dream Girl
And I'm a dream. Don't forget that.

Captain
I may be dead, but I'll dream of you.

Writer
You had better. You're playing a role.

Dream Girl
I suppose I'll have to wear maroon now.

Writer
Why?

Dream Girl
Well, maroon is so dull and gloomy, like know-it-alls and the dead. And I'm the dream of a dead man. That must make me dead too, I suppose.

Captain
You are very beautiful.

Dream Girl
You only say that because you're facing the floor. Face me.

Captain
I'm being directed.

Dream Girl
And I'm being used because I'm a size seven.

Director
(to Dream Girl) Do you know how to dance?

Dream Girl
Dance what?

Director
Anything, waltz, samba.

Dream Girl
I don't think I have that much control over my body. But I know how to faint. I'm very good at fainting.

Director
You may have to rewrite her part too.

Writer
She has a part already.

Director
Yes, but she can't dance.

Writer
She doesn't have to.

Director
She pollutes the entire play.

Dream Girl
You insult me.

Captain
How long do I have to lie here on the floor? It's cold and I don't think it's been swept in weeks.

Director
I'll tell you when you can get up. You look very dead down there.

Writer
Down dead.

Dream Girl
Down dream.

Director
Yes, that's it.

Dream Girl
No, that's not it. He may be down and you two may be going down, and the curtain will go down, but I'm not going down. I'm going far away. Far away. The dream doesn't go down.

Writer
You go down, as well. You faint. Where do you faint, up? You faint down just like all the other fainters in the world.

Dream Girl
I'm a Dream Girl.

Writer
We're all going down.

Captain
I've been out of work for so long. Finally, I have a part but I'm still down. I'm dead.

Writer
You faint.

Director
It's pollution. And pieces.

Dream Girl
I'll undress.

Writer
You dress down.

Dream Girl
I'll go that far. Far away.

Writer
Then do it. (screaming) Curtain! (nothing happens) I said, curtain.

Captain
Killer.

Director
Pollution. One day, you'll all learn. It's nothing but pollution.

Dream Girl
I learn nothing. I just dream things and I'm a size seven.

Writer
You're a size nothing.

Captain
(getting up) Yeah, no wonder Alex left you. You don't deserve a congressman.

Director
It's all cycles. Circles. Cycles.

Writer
Get out, all of you! I said, curtain. Drop that fucking curtain!

Captain
I go down. I get up. I go down again.

Director
It doesn't go up and down, it goes around and around. Cycles.

Writer
It's nothing. I tried again for what? For nothing.

Dream Girl
(to captain) There's a party tonight. Do you want to come? I may faint.

Captain
Yes, I know.

Dream Girl
Do you mind if it's downtown?

Captain
Not at all.

Director
I feel like going around town.

Writer
I'm going home. (screaming) Curtain, damn it.

Dream Girl
Don't damn the curtain. It means the end. Hopefully a happy one.

END OF PLAY

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